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Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue with their work. To what extent do you agree? v.8

Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue with their work. v. 8
There is a school of thought that most art professions do not reach lucrative and their struggle for the living. Hence the state should be given back to continue with their avenues. I believe that it is justifiable to agree with this statement. The reason for my view will be given henceforth. First, it is noteworthy that most of the artists are allocating whole time for the fulfilling the finish mesmerize masterpieces. Not only the time, but also most of the profession contributes their own funds for the job. Thus the regime is responsible for overcoming their living requirements and look after the valuable artists in the society. To exemplify this, the film director who contributes millions of own funds for making a good film, but he does not reach their profit easily. For example the Taj Mahal, which was constructed by the India very powerful mesmerize stature in the world. Furthermore fulfilling the financial gap will be minimized the community harms in the society and reduce the unemployment rate among the artist. Nevertheless, most of the talented artists are earning considerable amount of money by selling their masterpieces. For instance, professional musician who prominent in the world charge an amazing fees for a one show. On the other hand the government has been to maintain so many duties such as health sector evolution and education reforms are mandatory. For an example, there are many people who have not met their basic needs such as food, clothes even shelter. Moreover, state financial schemes are not at all required for these artists. To sum up, considering all the pros and cons both the government and individuals should back to other artists who have financial problems and most artist are contributing their values such as own funds, time, skill and knowledge for making a tremendous and fascinating output. Hence all authorities and individuals ought to support artists for continuing their work.
There is a school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that most art professions do not reach lucrative and their struggle for the living.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
the state should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
back to continue with their avenues. I believe that it is justifiable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. The reason for my view will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
henceforth.

First
, it is noteworthy that most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are allocating whole time for the fulfilling the finish mesmerize masterpieces. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the time,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
most of the profession contributes their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
funds for the job.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
the regime is responsible for overcoming their living requirements and look after the valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
in the society. To exemplify this, the film director
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
contributes millions of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
funds for making a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
film,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he does not reach their profit
easily
.
For example
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
the


Taj Mahal, which
was constructed
by the India
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
powerful mesmerize stature in the world.
Furthermore


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
fulfilling
the financial gap will
be minimized
the community harms in the society and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the unemployment rate among the artist.

Nevertheless
, most of the talented
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are earning considerable amount of money by selling their masterpieces.
For instance
, professional musician
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
prominent in the world charge an amazing
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "fee", "feis"?
fees
for a one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
.
On the other hand
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has been to maintain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
duties such as health sector evolution and education reforms are mandatory. For an example, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have not met their basic needs such as food, clothes even shelter.
Moreover
, state financial schemes are not at all required for these artists.

To sum up, considering all the pros and cons both the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and individuals should back to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have financial problems and most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artist
are contributing their values such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
funds, time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and knowledge for making a tremendous and fascinating output.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
all authorities and individuals ought to support
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
for continuing their work.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
10Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue with their work. v. 8

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
319 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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