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Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue their work. To what extent do you agree? v.1

Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue their work. v. 1
Nowadays, artists are not earning enough money to fulfill their needs. Some people suggest providing financial assistance to them. However, this may be of little help, but I am a strong opponent of this idea. Supporters of state funding to artists can give only few reasons to support their stand. First and foremost, culture of any country is closely linked and reflected through arts. Providing sufficient monetary support to artists may be beneficial for them to work in a relax environment, free from any financial stress. Thus, artists may work better to promote the culture of their country. Furthermore, though artists may possess unique skills in their fields, they lack any marketable product which they can sell to earn their living. For example, a civil engineer can construct a building and a software engineer can code a program. Hence, government should help them to have a better life. However, providing monthly allowances to artists would have only short come outcomes. Government should adopt better strategies to integrate artists with other profitable industries. For instance, artists should be given required education and training to work in other fields along with arts. Furthermore, government should spend public money on other important areas such as health and education. Providing every citizen an easy access to quality health and education will develop a progress society that is self sufficient to earn its living. To conclude, while budgetary grants to artists may promote culture of any country, I strongly believe that spending on public health, education and training would eradicate poverty from society.
Nowadays,
artists
are not earning
enough
money to fulfill their needs.
Some
people
suggest providing financial assistance to them.
However
, this may be of
little
help
,
but
I am a strong opponent of this
idea
.

Supporters of state funding to
artists
can give
only
few reasons to support their stand.
First
and foremost, culture of any country is
closely
linked and reflected through arts. Providing sufficient monetary support to
artists
may be beneficial for them to work in
a relax
environment, free from any financial
stress
.
Thus
,
artists
may work better to promote the culture of their country.
Furthermore
, though
artists
may possess unique
skills
in their fields, they lack any marketable product which they can sell to earn their living.
For example
, a civil engineer can construct a building and a software engineer can code a program.
Hence
,
government
should
help
them to have a better life.

However
, providing monthly allowances to
artists
would have
only
short
come
outcomes.
Government
should adopt better strategies to integrate
artists
with other profitable industries.
For instance
,
artists
should be
given
required
education
and training
to work
in other fields along with arts.
Furthermore
,
government
should spend public money on other
important
areas such as health and
education
. Providing every citizen
an easy access
to quality health and
education
will develop a progress society
that is
self sufficient
to earn its living.

To conclude
, while budgetary grants to
artists
may promote culture of any country, I
strongly
believe that spending on public health,
education
and training would eradicate poverty from society.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Most artists earn low salaries and should therefore receive funding from the government in order for them to continue their work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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