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More women nowadays work outside and spend a little time with family and kids. Their positions in the society have changed and because of that young people face many problems including juvenile delinquency and frustration. v.1

More women nowadays work outside and spend a little time with family and kids. Their positions in the society have changed and because of that young people face many problems including juvenile delinquency and frustration. v. 1
More women nowadays work outside and do not spend a great deal of time with family and kids. Their positions in the society have changed and because of that young people face many problems including juvenile delinquency and frustration. To some extent, I agree that the change in women’s role in the family has been associated with many issues that young people experience nowadays. However, I believe that both parents should be responsible for the upbringing of their children, not only mothers. The traditional role of women was to stay at home and take care of children, but this role has been changed and women these days usually work full time, and children may be left alone or with nannies or babysitters. As a result of this mothers become no longer close to their children. For example, many mothers these days no longer prepare meals for their offspring or help them doing their home works. Therefore, young people become more influenced by television, internet and friends. They lose the guidance in their life and become easily affected by their peers. Consequently, many problems such as juvenile delinquency or gangs will become very common. On the other hand, I believe that women go out to work, does not necessarily will be harmful to their children. Women may have better job opportunities or qualifications in many cases than their husbands.   Then it seems to be them going out to work, ensure a better quality of life for children. Another point is that working women are better role models for their children as they can affect positively on children’s prospects and objectives in life. Children copy what their parents do. For example, girls would not be encouraged to study if they know that they will stay at home like their mothers. In conclusion, the absence of mothers would result in serious problems for their children, however, I think that both parents should make the balance between raising up children and be successful in their career.
More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
outside and do not spend a great deal of time with family and kids. Their positions in the society have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems including juvenile delinquency and frustration.

To
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
in the family has
been associated
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
issues that young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
experience nowadays.
However
, I believe that both parents should be responsible for the upbringing of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
mothers.

The traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
was to stay at home and take care of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
these days
usually
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
full time, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
alone or with nannies or babysitters.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
a result of
Did you mean "these"?
this
mothers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
no longer close to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
mothers these days no longer prepare meals for their offspring or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
The verb 'their' is used with an infinitive: "to do" or "do".
doing
their home works.
Therefore
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more influenced by television, internet and friends. They lose the guidance in their life and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by their peers.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems such as juvenile delinquency or gangs will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
common.

On the other hand
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
go out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, does not
necessarily
will be harmful to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
may have better job opportunities or qualifications in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cases than their husbands.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Then it seems to be them going out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, ensure a better quality of life for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. Another point is that working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
role
models for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they can affect
positively
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
prospects and objectives in life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
copy what their parents do.
For example
, girls would not
be encouraged
to study if they know that they will stay at home like their mothers.

In conclusion
, the absence of mothers would result in serious problems for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
however
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that both parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the balance between raising up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and be successful in their career.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay More women nowadays work outside and spend a little time with family and kids. Their positions in the society have changed and because of that young people face many problems including juvenile delinquency and frustration. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
333 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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