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The charts below show information about three different deserts around the world. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main information and making comparisons. v.1

The charts below show information about three different deserts around the world.
Nowadays, western societies are confronting a problem of growing number of overweight children, which is 20% higher than the last ten years. A Lifestyle which western people accustomed, of which is mostly involved of doing indoor activity and eating junk food, might be considered a reason for this problem. Today, most kids prefer to have junk food like pizza and burgers rather than other healthy food. These junk foods contain extra fats and more eating causes children to gain unnecessary weights. Extra weight does not help in any way. It leads to various problems like: high blood pressure, heart related problems, and feeling tiredness mostly after doing small work. For example, health report data shows that today, most of the people suffer from cardio related issue, which is directly due to extra fats accumulate in the pipe that goes from cardio vessel. Second, the most considerable reason is children are not participating in doing more physical activity today, In contrast to, kids of past decades. As these days teenagers, mostly like to play indoor computer or video games instead of going outside and play something which requires your body to move. While playing sports like football and baseball helps to make our bodies in continuing motion, which in turn provide continuing healthy blood circulation in the body and also burns extra fats. Continuous eating junk food without exercising only helps to gather waste particles in the body, which in after some times become the consequence of severe health pertaining problems. To deal with this problem, it is important to promote body movement activities like: gaming, dancing etc. Although it is not easy to remove these unhealthy or junk foods immediately from societies, there should be a chart, graph which shows about how much consumption should have to avoid serious illness. In conclusion, the main reason for obesity on children these days, especially in western people is due to eating without proper exercise, which cannot be seen in the case of rural areas because there are availability of these fancy oily foods, computers and video games are much less and also they embroiled themselves in doing more physical work. So In order to to plummet the percentage of this increasing overweight, children should improve their lifestyles by eating healthy food with at least some exercise.
Nowadays, western societies are confronting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of growing number of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which is 20% higher than the last ten years. A Lifestyle which western
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
accustomed, of which is
mostly
involved of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
indoor activity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, might
be considered
a reason for this problem.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
, most kids prefer to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
like pizza and burgers
rather
than other healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
contain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
fats and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
causes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to gain unnecessary weights.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Extra
weight does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in any way. It leads to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
like: high blood pressure, heart related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, and feeling tiredness
mostly
after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
work.
For example
, health report data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffer from cardio related issue, which is
directly
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
fats accumulate in the pipe that goes from cardio vessel.

Second, the most considerable reason is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not participating in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
more physical activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
In contrast
to, kids of past decades. As these days
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
mostly
like to play indoor computer or video games
instead
of going outside and play something which requires your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
. While playing sports like football and baseball
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
bodies
in continuing motion, which in turn provide continuing healthy blood circulation in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
and
also
burns
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extra
fats. Continuous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
without exercising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to gather waste particles in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
, which in after
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
times become the consequence of severe health pertaining problems.

To deal with this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to promote
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
body
movement activities like: gaming, dancing etc. Although it is not easy to remove these unhealthy or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
immediately from societies, there should be a chart, graph which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
about how much consumption should
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
avoid serious illness.

In conclusion
, the main reason for obesity on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
these days,
especially
in western
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
without proper exercise, which cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the case of rural areas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there are availability of these fancy oily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, computers and video games are much less and
also
they embroiled themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
more physical work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
In order
Possible typo: you repeated a word
to to
plummet the percentage of this increasing overweight,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their lifestyles by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
with at least
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay The charts below show information about three different deserts around the world.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
384 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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