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The charts below show the results of a questionnaire that asked visitors to the Parkway Hotel how they rated the hotel's customer service. The same questionnaire was given to 100 guests in the years 2005 and 2010. Summarise the information by sele v.2

The charts below show the results of a questionnaire that asked visitors to the Parkway Hotel how they rated the hotel's customer service. The same questionnaire was given to 100 guests in the years 2005 and 2010.
Most people argue that illegal activities are permanent issues and it is impossible to avert them. But I completely disagree with this statement. However, there are many solutions to control and reduce the number of crimes. First of all, it is necessary to preclude someone from committing a crime rather than punishing the accused. Therefore, the environment, in which a person lives must be healthy: being well-educated and always being busy with useful activities, having a stable job with a well-paid salary, a family and friends with good relationships can prevent them from doing any violations. For example, if a man is able to support his family, loves his children and wife mutually, and has nice relatives and buddies with whom he is able to share his time, and job satisfaction which he always hurries to go in the mornings, there will not be a reason to do any illegal activities. On the other hand, if the government controls its citizens by making strict rules and do hard punishment for defendants, the people feel fear to be executed. For example, in some Muslim countries, if the man or woman does adultery, the guilty will be hurt with stoning by others. As an alternative, a thief's finger will be cut for his stealing. Knowing such tight rules, people try not to do lawbreaking activities. Moreover, in prisons the prisoners should be educated that lawbreaking never brings goodness, oppositely, it is shame on him and his close people. It affects his future, he may lose much dignity. If the person realises all of them, he never does illegally. In conclusion, the rate of crime can be demolished by various solutions made by the people themselves and by the attitude of the authority. Furthermore, If a nation thinks what can cause if they do something against the law and if the governors give strict punishment for the accused, they will have a lawful life.
Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that illegal activities are permanent issues and it is impossible to avert them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I completely disagree with this statement.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
solutions to control and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of crimes.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is necessary to preclude someone from committing a crime
rather
than punishing the accused.
Therefore
, the environment, in which a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be healthy: being well-educated and always being busy with useful activities, having a stable job with a well-paid salary, a family and friends with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
relationships can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from doing any violations.
For example
, if a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
is able to support his family,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
his children and wife
mutually
, and has nice relatives and buddies with whom he is able to share his time, and job satisfaction which he always hurries to go in the mornings, there will not be a reason to do any illegal activities.

On the other hand
, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
controls its citizens by making strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
punishment for defendants, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel fear to
be executed
.
For example
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Muslim countries, if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
or woman does adultery, the guilty will
be hurt
with stoning by others. As an alternative, a thief's finger will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
for his stealing. Knowing such tight
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
try not to do lawbreaking activities.
Moreover
, in prisons the prisoners should
be educated
that lawbreaking never brings goodness,
oppositely
, it is shame on him and his close
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. It affects his future, he may lose much dignity. If the person
Possible spelling mistake. 'realises' is British English.
realises
all of them, he never does
illegally
.

In conclusion
, the rate of crime can
be demolished
by various solutions made by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
themselves and by the attitude of the authority.
Furthermore
, If a nation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
what can cause if they do something against the law and if the governors give strict punishment for the accused, they will have a lawful life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS essay The charts below show the results of a questionnaire that asked visitors to the Parkway Hotel how they rated the hotel's customer service. The same questionnaire was given to 100 guests in the years 2005 and 2010.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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