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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words. v.3

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 3
The problem of obesity stares at our face with more and more children turning out to be overweight from a very young age, especially in prosperous nations. While most people don’t take this as a serious issue until it leads to a medical health condition, it is important to discuss the matter gravely in order to make people aware about the ill-effects which in turn will help avoid obesity. I believe, among other things, the most significant reason for kids gaining a lot of weight is their lifestyle patterns. While being rich is great, it comes with the downside of parents giving enormous pocket money to children, almost like a mechanism to feel less guilty for having busy schedules, where they can’t make time for their kids. Kids on the other hand, splurge on fast food and junk food, binging on burgers and slurping ice creams. The amount of processed food that an average kid ends up eating throughout the day is not funny! For instance, my boss’s child has French fries for breakfast with 3 different types of dips, burgers or fried chicken buckets for lunch – again with a lot of mayonnaise and ketchup and ends his day with a large pizza with more ketchup! His mid-meal snacks include chocolate bars, ice creams, chips and cold drinks. When I was babysitting him for a day, despite making special home-cooked meals that I thought he would enjoy, he ended up ordering food from a fast food joint because he was so used to eating out! As a result of prolonged unhealthy eating habits with no exercise, kids are diagnosed with heart diseases such as diabetes and cholesterol at a surprisingly young age. Although most people switch to a healthier diet after this point, it is too late in the day to reverse the effects. Consequences such as frequent urination, lethargy, feeling tired almost all the time, having to keep a check on sweet consumption etc. are just some of the outcomes of having a heart disease as a result of being overweight. For example, my colleague’s child, an excellent dancer who won quite a few national-level awards for her performances, has now had to give up on pursuing her passion because of the excess weight she has gained over a short period of time. She is no longer able to do the perfect split or even pull through an entire song before collapsing to the ground as if she just ran a marathon. The condition not only affected her physically but also broke her emotionally, shattering her confidence and determination to be the best at what she does. This is especially a problem for wealthy countries where the future of the country - the youngsters are more and more laid back and incapable of driving normal lives. I would like to conclude that children alone are not responsible for being obese. It is the whole family that promotes unhealthy eating habits leading to weight-gain. With little or no exercise, the condition is only going to get worse. Obesity affects both physical and mental well-being of people giving rise to more heart diseases and conditions like anxiety, depression etc. In developed countries, we will soon see entire generations of over weight children inching closer towards an unhealthy, unfulfilling life.
The problem of obesity stares at our face with more and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
turning out to be overweight from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
young age,
especially
in prosperous nations. While most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t take this as a serious issue until it leads to a medical health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to discuss the matter
gravely
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
aware about the ill-effects which in turn will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
avoid obesity.

I believe, among other things, the most significant reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
gaining
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
weight is their lifestyle patterns. While being rich is great, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with the downside of parents giving enormous pocket money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, almost like a mechanism to feel less guilty for having busy schedules, where they can’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
time for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Kids
on the other hand
, splurge on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, binging on burgers and slurping ice creams. The amount of processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that an average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
ends up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
throughout the day is not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
funny
!
For instance
, my boss’s child has French fries for breakfast with 3
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of dips, burgers or fried chicken buckets for lunch
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
again with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
mayonnaise and ketchup and ends his day with a large pizza with more ketchup! His mid-meal snacks include chocolate bars, ice creams, chips and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
drinks. When I was babysitting him for a day, despite making special home-cooked meals that I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
he would enjoy, he ended up ordering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
from a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
joint
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
out!

As a result
of prolonged unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
habits with no exercise,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are diagnosed
with heart diseases such as diabetes and cholesterol at a
surprisingly
young age. Although most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
switch to a healthier diet after this point, it is too late in the day to reverse the effects. Consequences such as frequent urination, lethargy, feeling tired almost all the time, having to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
on sweet consumption etc. are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
outcomes of having a heart disease
as a result
of being overweight.
For example
, my colleague’s child, an excellent dancer who won quite a few national-level awards for her performances, has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
had to give up on pursuing her passion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the excess weight she has gained over a short period of time. She is no longer able to do the perfect split or even pull through an entire song
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
collapsing to the ground as if she
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
ran a marathon. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
her
physically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
broke her
emotionally
, shattering her confidence and determination to be the best at what she does. This is
especially
a problem for wealthy countries where the future of the country
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
the youngsters are more and more laid back and incapable of driving normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

I would like
to conclude
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
alone are not responsible for being obese. It is the whole family that promotes unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
habits leading to weight-gain. With
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
or no exercise, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
condition
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse. Obesity affects both physical and mental well-being of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
giving rise to more heart diseases and conditions like anxiety, depression etc. In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, we will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
entire generations of over weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
inching closer towards an unhealthy, unfulfilling life.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
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Arab Proverb

IELTS essay More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
549 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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