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Bar chart: the percentage of boys, girls and all for chatting on the internet and playing on games console. v.1

Bar chart: the percentage of boys, girls and all for chatting on the internet and playing on games console. v. 1
Recently there is a lot of discussion about Home schooling and a lot of people are preferring it over conventional schools. In this essay, we will be discussing briefly about the two briefly. Home schooling is not a new practice and it was preferred in the olden times by affluent families who could afford expensive private tutors for their kids. But lately, this has become more mainstream where parents now prefer to home school their kids, this is more prevalent in families where one of the parents is a stay at home kind. This type schooling has its advantages in the early formative years when the child can learn about the basics in a more comfortable environment without any social pressures. The level of study can be adjusted according to child's capabilities which is not possible with a conventional school curriculum. For example, It is found that children who are home schooled give high importance to basic moral values along with arts and science. However, conventional schooling still has its advantages. Here the children mingle with others from all backgrounds and get used to living in a society. They make friendships which form a support system, and this is one thing which private schooling lacks. Moreover, it reduces unwarranted pressure on the parents. In addition to that, conventional schooling lets the kids be more competitive, take part in a wide range of sports and cultural activities which will help shape their future. For instance, I was a shy child and I would have remained the same had my parents preferred private tutoring. Both of the systems have their advantages and disadvantages. But, when you consider the fact that human are social beings, it is always good to get used to social norms in the formative years and conventional schooling helps with just that.
Recently there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
discussion about Home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
The verb 'preferring' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are preferring
it over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conventional
schools. In this essay, we will be discussing
briefly
about the two
briefly
.

Home
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
is not a new practice and it
was preferred
in the olden times by affluent families who could afford expensive private tutors for their kids.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
lately, this has become more mainstream where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
prefer to home school their kids, this is more prevalent in families where one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
is a stay at home kind. This type
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
has its advantages in the early formative years when the child can learn about the basics in a more comfortable environment without any social pressures. The level of study can
be adjusted
according to child's capabilities which is not possible with a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conventional
school curriculum.
For example
, It
is found
that children who are
This word is normally spelled as one.
home schooled
give high importance to basic moral values along with arts and science.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
still
has its advantages. Here the children mingle with others from all backgrounds and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to living in a society. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
friendships which form a support system, and this is one thing which private
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
lacks.
Moreover
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
unwarranted pressure on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
.
In addition
to that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lets
the kids be more competitive,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in a wide range of sports and cultural activities which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
shape their future.
For instance
, I was a shy child and I would have remained the same had my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
preferred private tutoring.

Both of the systems have their advantages and disadvantages.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, when you consider the fact
The verb 'are' is plural. Did you mean: "that human is"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
that human are
social beings, it is always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to social norms in the formative years and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
conventional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schooling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
that.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Bar chart: the percentage of boys, girls and all for chatting on the internet and playing on games console. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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