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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.8

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 8
Many developed countries face a grave problem of increasing child obesity which poses a severe threat to these wealthy nations. It is mainly happening due to current trends and practices followed by its people, which is having detrimental effects on the person as well as the country. The root problem of increasing overweight children lies in the poor standards of child upbringing and negligence amongst parents. The child receives an unhealthy diet, emphasis on sports or exercise is not given. Moreover, parents are not vigilant of their children's needs and neglecting their health due to their stressful life. Furthermore, many advertisements falsely display high-calorie food as healthy, which is having a negative influence on children as they are not able to distinguish proper diet from the bad. For example, fast-food chains advertise their food to be rich in protein, vitamins and roughage, but in reality, it is full of sugar and fats. Child obesity is affecting the country in several ways. The next generation of the workforce will be unhealthy, unfit to work and unable to perform several tasks, particularly high endurance activities. It also affects them physically and mentally. For example, overweight children have constant body image problems which lead to depression. Obesity causes a multitude of diseases which is putting unnecessary pressure on the country's health care system to treat children overweight, which could be better utilized to treat patients with fatal diseases. In conclusion, the current methods and unhealthy trends of living in developed countries are resulting overweight among children, thus endangering its future. Therefore, the government, along with its people, should work together to eradicate the issue of child obesity to ensure a healthy and prosperous future.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
face a grave problem of increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
obesity which poses a severe threat to these wealthy nations. It is
mainly
happening due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
trends and practices followed by its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, which is having detrimental effects on the person
as well
as the country.

The root problem of increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
lies in the poor standards of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
upbringing and negligence amongst parents. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
receives an unhealthy diet, emphasis on sports or exercise is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.
Moreover
, parents are not vigilant of their children's needs and neglecting their health due to their stressful life.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advertisements
falsely
display high-calorie food as healthy, which is having a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they are not able to distinguish proper diet from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food chains advertise their food to be rich in protein, vitamins and roughage,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in reality, it is full of sugar and fats.

Child obesity is affecting the country in several ways. The
next
generation of the workforce will be unhealthy, unfit to work and unable to perform several tasks,
particularly
high endurance activities. It
also
affects them
physically
and mentally.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have constant body image problems which lead to depression. Obesity causes a multitude of diseases which is putting unnecessary pressure on the country's health care system to treat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
, which could be better utilized to treat patients with fatal diseases.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
methods and unhealthy trends of living in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
are resulting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
Do not mix variants of the same word ('among' and 'amongst') within a single text.
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
thus
endangering its future.
Therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, along with its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, should work together to eradicate the issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
obesity to ensure a healthy and prosperous future.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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