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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problemfor wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer, andinclude any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experie v.11

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problemfor wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. 11
Nowadays, The use of internet has been greatly increased by the all age groups of human beings. However, there are some risk to sharing personal information on various websites. But for my opinion, I believe that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages. Firstly, The communications between friends, family and relatives very smoothly compare to the past. In addition, Now the distance is not a drawback at all. Moreover, people touch with their friends by using the social media application like Whatsapp, Facebook, Etcetra. If the distance is so far between them, The communication with video calling apps like Skype, Facetime and other so much. Secondly, From the social media is used now for the job purposes too. Furthermore, Many different social media platforms like LinkdIn, Indeed and others so much. Web site, such as Naukri. And many others are open for the different roles of jobs to candidates who are deserving but unemployed. That is why the use of social media is also reduces the unemployment rate. On the other hand, The major drawbacks from the social media are the cyber crime, money laundering. They hack so much information of ATM card while using for shopping purposes. Also, The missus behaviour from the children are also losses. When they post something on social media like their mobile numbers and some vulgar photos their mischief behaviours are caught up with the cyber thief and after that they blackmailing them. So, the proper use of social media will not harm them and no risk for them. To conclude, I completely agree that the social media is profitable among all the age group, but it should be a proper way to using it and decrease to harm themselves and others and also reduce the risk, while the use of social media.
Nowadays, The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of internet has been
greatly
increased by the all age groups of human beings.
However
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
to sharing personal information on various websites.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
for my opinion, I believe that the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
outweigh the disadvantages.

Firstly
, The communications between friends, family and relatives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
smoothly
compare to the past.
In addition
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
the distance is not a drawback at all.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
touch with their friends by using the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
application like
Possible spelling mistake found.
Whatsapp
, Facebook,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Etcetra
. If the distance is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far between them, The communication with video calling apps like Skype,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Facetime
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much.

Secondly
, From the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
for the job purposes too.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
platforms like
Possible spelling mistake found.
LinkdIn
,
Indeed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much.
Did you mean "Website"?
Web site
, such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Naukri
. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others are open for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
roles of jobs to candidates who
The verb 'deserving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are deserving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
unemployed.
That is
why the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
the unemployment rate.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, The major drawbacks from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
are the cyber crime, money laundering. They hack
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much information of ATM card while using for shopping purposes.
Also
, The missus
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
from the children are
also
losses. When they post something on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
like their mobile numbers and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
vulgar photos their mischief
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
are caught
up with the cyber thief and after that
Did you mean "they're blackmailing", "they are blackmailing", or "they were blackmailing"?
they blackmailing
them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the proper
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
will not harm them and no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
for them.

To conclude
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is profitable among all the age group,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should be a proper way to using it and decrease to harm themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, while the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problemfor wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. 11

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
300 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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