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In modern times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. WHY has this change occurred? DO you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home? v.10

In modern times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. WHY has this change occurred? DO you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home? v. 10
The advancement in the technology has uncertainly diverse the way people communicate with the other part of the globe. Availability of the Internet provides the way to perform their job-related duties or feeling connected with their family members without any need of facial communication. I believe that such a diversity is lucrative to the society. To begin with, the brighter side of utilization of the internet is to save the time and money of an individual. With the use of the Internet people can contact a person who is staying in any part of the world. This will help an individual to expand their business over the universe. Even sometimes it would also help to conduct meetings over the internet which save’s the time to reach that meeting place and money they have to spend on this. Moreover, Using the Internet the mankind can do the shopping from their home, although for that there is no need to go physically to any shop and then ask for the product; here all this matter will be solved by only one single click. For example, Momentarily, in most of the IT companies are taking work from employees, which provides benefits to both employees as well as owners as they do not have to give a space to the employee for the work. Furthermore, this automation helps to socialize more and elaboration of personal contact. This will help the public who wishes to talk with someone while they are alone. Even this also build the community parties in which same skills person can meet and starts to do some recreational activity which helps to the society and nation. However, to perform such activity there is no need to meet personally all the things would be managed over the new media, Internet. For instance, Facebook, is one of the social networking sites where a person can do socialize also expand their business by doing promotion which attract customers. In conclusion, face to face communication can be considered as an effective way to make contact but, this would be replaced with the use of the Internet which saves time as well as money. As per my opinion, the positive points of this new way are outweighed by the negative ones.
The advancement in the technology has
uncertainly
diverse the way
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
communicate with the other part of the globe. Availability of the Internet provides the way to perform their job-related duties or feeling connected with their family members without any need of facial communication. I believe that such a diversity is lucrative to the society.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the brighter side of utilization of the internet is to save the time and money of an individual. With the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
can contact a person who is staying in any part of the world. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
an individual to expand their business over the universe. Even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it would
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to conduct meetings over the internet which save’s the time to reach that meeting place and money they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend on this.
Moreover
, Using the Internet the mankind can do the shopping from their home, although for that there is no need to go
physically
to any shop and then
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ask for
the product; here all this matter will
be solved
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one single click.
For example
,
Momentarily
, in most of the IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
are taking work from employees, which provides benefits to both employees
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
owners as they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
give a space to the employee for the work.

Furthermore
, this automation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to socialize more and elaboration of personal contact. This will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
the public who wishes to talk with someone while they are alone. Even this
also
build the community parties in which same
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "skills'" or "skill's"?
skills
person can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
recreational activity which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to the society and nation.
However
, to perform such activity there is no need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
personally
all the things would
be managed
over the new media, Internet.
For instance
, Facebook, is one of the social networking sites where a person can do socialize
also
expand their business by doing promotion which attract customers.

In conclusion
, face to face communication can
be considered
as an effective way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
contact
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, this would
be replaced
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of the Internet which saves time
as well
as money. As per my opinion, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
points of this new way
are outweighed
by the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ones.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In modern times, young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. WHY has this change occurred? DO you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
375 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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