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More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.10

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 10
First world countries are facing a rapidly growing problem of overweight children. It is happening because of many reasons such as their sedentary lifestyle and over reliance on junk food. In future, it will lead to many health problems, and this essay is going to explain the causes and effects with examples. Firstly, children in rich countries are lazier now. They do spend most of their time in playing online games or other static activities, and they have the access to the best technologies in the world which keeps them glues inside their houses. Consequently, they fall prey to this sedentary lifestyle which turns them in being overweight over a time period. For instance, a child, spending no time on outdoor activities, but mostly lying in bed using his mobile phone, will turn fat. Secondly, junk food is also playing a vital role in this issue. Most of it is high in calories and more bad fat is stored in children's bodies. Due to these, children tend to be fatter in wealthy countries. Furthermore, this problem will give more health scare to the children than anything else. As we know, overweight children are prone to heart diseases because the bad fat is the primary cause of blocked arteries. A recent survey published a report stating that 70% of overweight children in developed countries are at the risk of heart attack. Therefore, the situation could get worse over time and later on, this will put pressure on the healthcare system of these countries. In conclusion, children in rich countries are opting bad choice of junk food and sedentary lifestyle, which will turn them overweight. Subsequently, they are risking their health and could become a cornucopia of diseases, which will put pressure on the healthcare system of these developed countries.
First
world
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countries
are facing a
rapidly
growing problem of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It is happening
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons such as their sedentary lifestyle and over reliance on junk food.
Did you mean: "In the future"?
In future
, it will lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems, and this essay is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the causes and effects with examples.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are lazier
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
. They do spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in playing online games or other static activities, and they have the access to the best technologies in the world which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them glues inside their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.
Consequently
, they fall prey to this sedentary lifestyle which turns them in being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
over a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
period.
For instance
, a child, spending no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on outdoor activities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
mostly
lying in bed using his mobile phone, will turn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
Secondly
, junk food is
also
playing a vital role in this issue. Most of it is high in calories and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
is stored
in children's bodies. Due to these,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
tend to be fatter in wealthy countries.

Furthermore
, this problem will give more health scare to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than anything else. As we know,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are prone to heart diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
is the primary cause of blocked arteries. A recent survey published a report stating that 70% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of heart attack.
Therefore
, the situation could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse over
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and later on, this will put pressure on the healthcare system of these countries.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are opting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
choice of junk food and sedentary lifestyle, which will turn them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
.
Subsequently
, they are risking their health and could become a cornucopia of diseases, which will put pressure on the healthcare system of these developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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