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More and more young children have mobile phones. Some people say it is a goodthing for them, while others say it is a bad thing What is your opinion? v.2

More and more young children have mobile phones. Some people say it is a goodthing for them, while others say it is a bad thing What is your opinion? v. 2
Some people opine that the state is wasting money on arts, whereas this money could be utilized in providing other services to the community like health and education. I am inclined to partially concur with this assertion because I believe with education and health, arts behold a significant position in the development of a society. This essay will support my opinion in the subsequent paragraphs. To commence with the argument, it is irrefutable to say that art is an indispensable part of cultural development. Owing to this, some society is considered incomplete without artefacts; culture is descended to future generations in the form of art. Therefore, it is direly required that state funds are allocated for its preservation. Thinking to cut off the arts budget is equivalent to shedding of the cultural heritage. On the other hand, health and education are the best indicators of the well-being societies, thus it is equally important that the government must consider to set-aside the sufficient funds for these necessities. None of the societies flourish without good health and education. For instance, in Japan after World War II the economy drastically boosted in GDP once it raised physical wellness and education of its people. Hence, these sectors cannot be ignored. To conclude the aforementioned, the government owes the responsibility of stabilizing the education and health of its nation as well as spending on art is a useful investment in my point of view rather than wastage of resources. Thus, both should be placed at the same level of significance in the subject under expenditure.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that the state is wasting money on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
, whereas this money could
be utilized
in providing other services to the community like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. I
am inclined
to
partially
concur with this assertion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I believe with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
behold a significant position in the development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
. This essay will support my opinion in the subsequent paragraphs.

To commence with the argument, it is irrefutable to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is an indispensable part of cultural development. Owing to this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
is considered
incomplete without
Possible spelling mistake. 'artefacts' is British English.
artefacts
; culture
is descended
to future generations in the form of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
.
Therefore
, it is
direly
required that state funds
are allocated
for its preservation. Thinking to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
off the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
arts
budget is equivalent to shedding of the cultural heritage.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
are the best indicators of the well-being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
,
thus
it is
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consider to set-aside the sufficient funds for these necessities. None of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
flourish without
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
For instance
, in Japan after World War II the economy
drastically
boosted in GDP once it raised physical wellness and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
of its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Hence
, these sectors cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
.

To conclude
the aforementioned, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
owes the responsibility of stabilizing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of its nation
as well
as spending on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is a useful investment in my point of view
rather
than wastage of resources.
Thus
, both should
be placed
at the same level of significance in the subject under expenditure.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more young children have mobile phones. Some people say it is a goodthing for them, while others say it is a bad thing What is your opinion? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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