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Today, some young people say that their mobile phones are the most important thing they own. Do you think that popularity of mobile phones is good or bad thing? v.2

Today, some young people say that their mobile phones are the most important thing they own. Do you think that popularity of mobile phones is good or bad thing? v. 2
The advancement of technology has developed the way of living, such as technology is smart phones. However, a few youth claims that this device has brought many advantages to living. From my point of view, it has more drawbacks than merits. This essay will discuss how this brings more demerits than benefits. On the one hand, from the last few years, mobile phones have opened an easy communication way. This is a type of device which can assist people to use Social Media to connect to the world, as well as making phone calls on the internet. This certainly helps people to keep in touch with their distant relatives, friends and family members. Additionally, doing any kind of professional work is possible with this spectacular gadget, for instance, Microsoft word software is used for creating documents which can be installed on our device. Moreover, this tool provides getting everyday’s news updates through news portal. On the other hand, although, this automation gives human many advantages, the disadvantages have more effect on young children. These days, the younger generation tends to addict to mobiles because they think that it is more prominent assets they have despite the side effects. Unfortunately, a survey result has shown that, people who use mobile more than average hours are suffering many health issues, namely, hearing loss, vision problem, headache, even though brain damages. In conclusion, in spite of the numerous benefits, it is responsible for health hazard; nevertheless, youngsters find it entertaining and vital for their lives. I think, there should be some restrictions for using the mobile phones.
The advancement of technology has developed the way of living, such as technology is smart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
However
, a few youth claims that this device has brought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages to living. From my point of view, it has more drawbacks than merits. This essay will discuss how this brings more demerits than benefits.

On the one hand, from the last few years, mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
have opened an easy communication way. This is a type of device which can assist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Social Media to connect to the world,
as well
as making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phone
calls on the internet. This
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in touch with their distant relatives, friends and family members.
Additionally
, doing any kind of professional work is possible with this spectacular gadget,
for instance
,
Did you mean the proper noun "Microsoft Word" (= Microsoft product)?
Microsoft word
software is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for creating documents which can
be installed
on our device.
Moreover
, this tool provides getting
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
’s news updates through news portal.

On the other hand
, although, this automation gives human
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages, the disadvantages have more effect on young children. These days, the younger generation tends to addict to mobiles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is more prominent assets they have despite the side effects. Unfortunately, a survey result has shown that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
mobile more than average hours are suffering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health issues,
namely
, hearing loss, vision problem, headache,
even though
brain damages.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
in spite of
the numerous benefits, it is responsible for health hazard;
nevertheless
, youngsters find it entertaining and vital for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, there should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
restrictions for using the mobile
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
phones
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Today, some young people say that their mobile phones are the most important thing they own. Do you think that popularity of mobile phones is good or bad thing? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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