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More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem? v.6

More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 6
The animal kingdom is one of the most important part of the ecosystem. We, humankind is completely dependent on all species living on the earth as our survival. Now extinction of some species is a common phenomenon due to the evolution, which has been occurring since the creation of life on earth. But in the recent years, this process has been accelerated due to various man-made reasons. But among those two of the main contributing factors are: Global warming and merciless killing. First, let us look into the Global warming, a modern day phenomenon which is caused by industrialization in the 21st century. It made the temperature rise up much higher than the usual and in turn it made earth becomes inhabitable for so many species on the Earth. Another factor behind this massive level of extinction is the merciless killing of animals by hunters. Now, this culture has existed among human for several centuries. There are several birds which went extinct because of hunting for fun. Dodo is one of the most prominent example of this kind of behaviour. But in recent years, with the invention of state of the art guns and various weapons we are able to kill various animals that was indestructible before. Whale is a mammal, which can be killed in modern days, but this was not a necessary case in the past. Now, to combat these two events, we, as humankind has taken up so many steps so far. Many nations have implemented strict rules to combat animal hunting by signing the Paris weather agreement. Various countries have passed strict laws to stop animal killing and, I think, if we mankind can take actions all together to save our friends and cohabitant species we can certainly make the world a better place.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
kingdom is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part of the ecosystem. We, humankind is completely dependent on all species living on the earth as our survival.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
extinction of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
species is a common phenomenon due to the evolution, which has been occurring since the creation of life on earth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in the recent years, this process has
been accelerated
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
-made reasons.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
among those two of the main contributing factors are: Global warming and merciless killing.

First
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
us look into the Global warming, a modern day phenomenon which
is caused
by industrialization in the 21st century. It made the temperature rise up much higher than the usual and in turn it made earth becomes inhabitable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
species on the Earth.

Another factor behind this massive level of extinction is the merciless killing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
by hunters.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, this culture has existed among human for several centuries. There are several birds which went extinct
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of hunting for fun. Dodo is one of the most prominent example of this kind of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in recent years, with the invention of
Did you mean "state-of-the-art"?
state of the art
guns and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
weapons we are able to kill
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
that was indestructible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. Whale is a mammal, which can
be killed
in modern days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this was not a necessary case in the past.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, to combat these two
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, we, as humankind has taken up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
steps
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
nations have implemented strict
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
to combat
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
hunting by signing the Paris weather agreement.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Various
countries have passed strict laws to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
killing and, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
, if
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'we'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
we mankind
can take actions all together to save our friends and cohabitant species we can
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the world a better place.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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