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More and more people these days work harder and longer hours and have no time for family life and friends. What are the causes in your opinion for this? How is it affecting family life and the society as a whole? v.2

More and more people these days work harder and longer hours and have no time for family life and friends. What are the causes in your opinion for this? How is it affecting family life and the society as a whole? v. 2
Nowadays, people are working harder than ever and have longer working hours. This kind of living has negatively affected their family and social life. There are several factors that cause the situation and the following essay will discuss them in details. For a number of reasons, people in general work harder these days, as it can be seen from their long working hours. Firstly, it is due to the tough working competition these days. For a single job position, hundreds of people are competing and the private organisations are firing employees due to performance issue all the time. Further, as business has become more competitive, many companies have set a bigger target, a tighter budget and stricter deadlines. Consequently, the work volume has become higher and employees need to spend more time for completing their works. Secondly, it is believed that we are living in the materialistic and hedonic world nowadays. People are respected based on their assets, position and power and therefore a lot of people chose to focus on their career and work overtime. As people choose to spend more hours in their workplace, it has negatively affected their family and social life. One of the cases is that many parents abandon their children as they are busy working. Some of the children feel ignored by their parents and this has a serious psychological effect, while other children become addicted to video games or even drugs. In another case, it is reported that long working hours have affected to the divorce rate. Many young couples chose to focus on their careers and have less time for their spouse. As a result, both of them lack the proper communication and relationship which are crucial for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship. Furthermore, the family tie is not as strong as it used to be and this is a serious issue that our society is facing these days. People have a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy diets due to their busy corporate life. They have little time for exercise or outdoor activities and this is degrading the overall health of people. In conclusion, it is true that people have become more ambitious with their careers these days, as they spend longer hours at work. On the one hand, I could understand the situation as business competition has become tighter and some people want to maintain their lifestyle. However, many people do not realise that it has some negative effects on their family and social life. Many of their children have become depressed and the divorce rate has increased rapidly in the past few years. Therefore I personally believe that we should have a balanced life between works and family.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
harder than ever and have longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. This kind of living has
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. There are several factors that cause the situation and the following essay will discuss them in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

For a number of reasons,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder these days, as it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from their long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
.
Firstly
, it is due to the tough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
competition these days. For a single job position, hundreds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are competing and the private
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
are firing employees due to performance issue all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Further
, as business has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more competitive,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
have set a bigger target, a tighter budget and stricter deadlines.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
volume has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
higher and employees need to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for completing their works.
Secondly
, it
is believed
that we are living in the materialistic and
Possible spelling mistake found.
hedonic
world nowadays.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are respected
based on their assets, position and power and
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
chose to focus on their career and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime.

As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
in their workplace, it has
negatively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. One of the cases is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents abandon their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as they are busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
feel
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
by their parents and this has a serious psychological effect, while other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
addicted to video games or even drugs. In another case, it
is reported
that long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
to the divorce rate.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
young couples chose to focus on their careers and have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their spouse.
As a result
, both of them lack the proper communication and relationship which are crucial for maintaining a happy and healthy relationship.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
tie is not as strong as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be and this is a serious issue that our society is facing these days.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have a sedentary lifestyle and unhealthy diets due to their busy corporate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. They have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercise or outdoor activities and this is degrading the
overall
health of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

In conclusion
, it is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more ambitious with their careers these days, as they spend longer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. On the one hand, I could understand the situation as business competition has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
tighter and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to maintain their lifestyle.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
depressed and the divorce rate has increased
rapidly
in the past few years.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
I
personally
believe that we should have a balanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
between works and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
49Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more people these days work harder and longer hours and have no time for family life and friends. What are the causes in your opinion for this? How is it affecting family life and the society as a whole? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
448 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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