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With growing population in cities more and more people live in homes have small or no outdoor areas.Do you think this is a positive or negative development ?

More and more people nowadays live in cities. Is this a negative or positive development? v. 2
Increasing commonwealth in cities is good yet, if there is not enough space for them people should have homes without outdoor areas. However, I think this trend is a wholly positive development for two main reasons. On the one hand, bulk of population live in the cities where is not large area for everyone so that humans out to live in houses which have not outdoor areas. Being, more people they can not realize own opportunities so that they should dwell in small houses. To give you an idea Tokyo residing 37 million of population. Tokyo is so smaller that people can not have big houses. On the other hand, if extent of area smaller, the economy of the city will increase. To illustrate Dubai. Dubai, living a lot of people who increase national economy of that city. Having had, big part of people Dubai can increase economy. If one area has large part of population, even though that city can improve national economy. Being, plenty of population they try to be first which result helps to city wealth. Furthermore, providence which can help or do all opportunities to it's city which has smaller territory. To conclude my idea, humanity dwelling in small cities should not have any place or outdoors. Being, many they can not realize it.
Increasing commonwealth in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
yet
, if there is not
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enough
space for them
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people
should have homes without outdoor
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areas
.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this trend is a wholly
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positive
development for two main reasons. On the one hand, bulk of
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population
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the
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cities
where is not large
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area
for everyone
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that humans out to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
which have not outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. Being, more
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people
they can not realize
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they should dwell in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
. To give you an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
Tokyo residing 37 million of
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population
. Tokyo is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
smaller that
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people
can not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.
On the other hand
, if extent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
smaller, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
of the city will increase. To illustrate Dubai. Dubai, living
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who increase national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
of that city. Having had,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
part of
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people
Dubai can increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
. If one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
has large part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
,
even though
that city can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economy
. Being,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
they try to be
first
which result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to city wealth.
Furthermore
, providence which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
or do all opportunities
Did you mean "to its city"?
to it's city
which has smaller territory.
To conclude
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, humanity dwelling in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
should not have any place or outdoors. Being,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
they can not realize it.
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IELTS essay With growing population in cities more and more people live in homes have small or no outdoor areas. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
218 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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