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More and more people nowadays are buying tickets for sports and cultural events. Is it good or bad? Give your opinion? v.1

More and more people nowadays are buying tickets for sports and cultural events. Is it good or bad? Give your opinion? v. 1
It is often considered that schools should teach functional skills like car maintenance or bank account management while students are learning academic subjects. I totally agree with the opinion that the schools should teach practical skills like bank account management or car maintenance which could prepare students in their future occupations. Firstly, some academic subjects which are being taught in schools is too old, and they are not being used in society anymore. Science and technology are being changed rapidly, so that if our educational system does not update their curriculum, their students will not have a chance to find an appropriate job. For instance, when I graduated from university, I could not find a job, so that one company hired me as a practitioner to work without payments in order to know how to functionalise my academical knowledge in the working environment. Secondly, schools should create an atmosphere in which the pupils could learn practical skills relying on their studies which are being taught. By the reason that technologies are being altered by the time, and the occupational market’s requirements are changing. The educational system should prepare their students to know the usage of their lessons and its future functions. The latest studies indicate that schools who have workshops where their students could discuss and practice their scientific knowledge through experiments and discussion, and etc. Have better occupational opportunities. To conclude. I disagree that schools should teach only academic subjects, although they should update their curriculum and teaching some skills based on the subjects which are being taught to the students.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
considered that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should teach functional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
like car maintenance or bank account management while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are learning academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the opinion that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should teach practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
like bank account management or car maintenance which could prepare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their future occupations.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which are
being taught
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
is too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and they are not being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in society anymore. Science and technology are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
rapidly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that if our educational system does not update their curriculum, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will not have a chance to find an appropriate job.
For instance
, when I graduated from university, I could not find a job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
hired me as a practitioner to work without payments in order to know how to
Possible spelling mistake found.
functionalise
my academical knowledge in the working environment.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should create an atmosphere in which the pupils could learn practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
relying on their studies which are
being taught
. By the reason that technologies are
being altered
by the time, and the occupational market’s requirements are changing. The educational system should prepare their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to know the usage of their lessons and its future functions. The latest studies indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
who have workshops where their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
could discuss and practice their scientific knowledge through experiments and discussion,
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
. Have better occupational opportunities.

To conclude
. I disagree that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should teach
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, although they should update their curriculum and teaching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
which are
being taught
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay More and more people nowadays are buying tickets for sports and cultural events. Is it good or bad? Give your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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