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Some people spent a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this is a good or bad thing? v.2

Some people spent a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this is a good or bad thing? v. 2
In today’s era, concerts and sporting events play a vital role in stress relief. Some experts claim that it is not good to spend a lot of money on this whilst a few others disagree with the opinion. I firmly believe that spending an enormous amount of money on tickets will seriously affect one’s finance and family. To start with, people who over indulge in live programmes are the least bothered about the ticket prices. Their primary motive is to buy tickets at that moment, regardless of the cost. Nowadays, due to the excessive coverage that these events receive in the media, many fans are eager to be a part of them. Young people, especially teenagers, often assume that watching a live event will make them appear cool and elevate their status among their friends. Unfortunately, they do not realize that this habit can jeopardize their budget. Over spending can push people into the debt trap. It could even hurt family relationships because when someone spends too much money for watching such events, their family will also suffer. On the other hand, watching an event occasionally is good because it is a stress buster and being among a cheering crowd can lift up one’s mood. Leisure activities should be encouraged once in a while to overcome the tension of this hectic lifestyle that we have adopted in this contemporary era. Furthermore, it can turn into a good family outing to spend quality time with dear and near ones. Finally, watching a live event and rooting for one team is an opportunity for people to express their patriotism. To recapitulate, people should be careful about spending money on cultural or sporting events. Once in a while it is perfectly all right to indulge in such practices, but we must ensure that it does not become an obsession.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s era, concerts and sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
play a vital role in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
relief.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
experts claim that it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on this whilst a few others disagree with the opinion. I
firmly
believe that spending an enormous amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on tickets will
seriously
affect one’s finance and family.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who over indulge in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
are the least bothered about the ticket prices. Their primary motive is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
tickets at that moment, regardless of the cost. Nowadays, due to the excessive coverage that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
receive in the media,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fans are eager to be a part of them. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
assume that watching a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them appear cool and elevate their status among their friends. Unfortunately, they do not realize that this habit can jeopardize their budget. Over spending can push
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
into the debt trap. It could even hurt family relationships
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when someone spends too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for watching such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
, their family will
also
suffer.

On the other hand
, watching an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
occasionally
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
buster and being among a cheering crowd can
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "lift".
lift up
one’s mood. Leisure activities should
be encouraged
once in a while to overcome the tension of this hectic lifestyle that we have adopted in this contemporary era.
Furthermore
, it can turn into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
family outing to spend quality time with dear and near
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
.
Finally
, watching a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
and rooting for one team is an opportunity for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to express their patriotism.

To recapitulate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should be careful about spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on cultural or sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
. Once in a while it is
perfectly
all right to indulge in such practices,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
ensure that it does not become an obsession.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people spent a lot of money on tickets to go to sporting or cultural events. Is this is a good or bad thing? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
306 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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