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More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.8

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 8
When it comes to allowing children to play on computers, many parents give it much thought whether this will increase children’s technical skills or not. Despite the obvious advantages such as computer literacy and the ability to cope with state-of-the-art technology, this approach could be harmful for kids as well. In this essay merits and demerits will be analysed before my own perspective is given. One the one hand, computers and tablets are immensely beneficial. With their help, children who have a thirst for knowledge can get a ton of theoretical and practical skills. I can put my nephew as an example, having been gifted a computer for his birthday, Instead of playing games, he became enthusiastic about programming and mathematics. Ultimately, these skills turned out to be incredibly useful in his adult life and helped him to become a person who makes an exceptionally good living. So, this makes clear, computers are important for developing human capital. One the other hand, computers, tablets and mobile phones could be harmful, without proper parental control. People, children in particular, have a tendency to mess around and play video games instead of learning new skills. There is a numberless quantity of examples when children became way too obsessed with video games and lost any interest in their studies and even life. There is no point in saying that parents have to always control the content and encourage children to broaden their horizons with computers. To conclude, I entirely support the idea, that parents should allow their children to spend time with a computer in order to gain new knowledge, and they have to supervise what exactly their children spend time on. In my opinion, the advantages which children could gain in their childhood, could be extremely helpful in their adult life, which, without any doubt, outweigh possible drawbacks such as addiction to video games.
When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play on computers,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parents give it much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
whether this will increase
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
technical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or not. Despite the obvious advantages such as computer literacy and the ability to cope with state-of-the-art technology, this approach could be harmful for kids
as well
. In this essay merits and demerits will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysed' is British English.
analysed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, computers and tablets are
immensely
beneficial. With their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who have a thirst for knowledge can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a ton of theoretical and practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. I can put my nephew as an example, having
been gifted
a computer for his birthday,
Instead
of playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, he became enthusiastic about programming and mathematics.
Ultimately
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
turned out to be
incredibly
useful in his adult life and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
him to become a person who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
an
exceptionally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
living.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
, computers are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for developing human capital.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the other hand, computers, tablets and mobile phones could be harmful, without proper parental control.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in particular
, have a tendency to mess around and play video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
instead
of learning new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. There is a numberless quantity of examples when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
became way too obsessed with video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
and lost any interest in their studies and even life. There is no point in saying that parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
always control the content and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to broaden their horizons with computers.

To conclude
, I
entirely
support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, that parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend time with a computer in order to gain new knowledge, and they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
supervise what exactly their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend time on. In my opinion, the advantages which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could gain in their childhood, could be
extremely
helpful in their adult life, which, without any doubt, outweigh possible drawbacks such as addiction to video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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