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More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.2

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2
Nowadays children are allowed by their parents to spend a lot of time on the Internet to learn modern technologies. This essay will show that positive aspects of  this trend outweigh the drawbacks.   Computers allow children  to get immediate access  to all necessary information on the Internet  and help them to develop cognitive abilities, but kids can easily get addicted to computer games if not restricted and supervised by their parents. Almost every pupil has access to a personal electronic devices, and it's a must to comply with the modern studying program. Firstly, it is very beneficial for children because they can get all necessary information online and keep up with the curriculum. According to statistics  in 2015, 94% of children age 3 to 18 had a computer at home, and 70% of them had access to the Internet. Also, while using modern technologies children deal with different applications and learn how to search for and process information and solve different issues. Finally, this is very beneficial for their overall cognitive skills development. For example, my nephew  can solve everyday day life's challenges using some methods learned from using computers. However, when kids start using technologies they get acquainted with the computer games.   And they can easily get hooked up on gaming, because modern video games are intentionally designed to be very addictive.  Fortunately, with the the proper parental advisory this potential danger can be easily overcome.   The Times says  if oldest restrict the gaming time, then 95% of children never get addicted. To sum up, the benefits of more effective studying, learning new technologies and developing cognitive skills outweighs potential pitfalls of technology misuse and the danger of getting addicted to them.
Nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
by their parents to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time on the Internet to learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
this trend outweigh the drawbacks.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Computers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
children
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
immediate access
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
to all necessary information on the Internet
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to develop cognitive abilities,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
kids can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted to computer games if not restricted and supervised by their parents.

Almost every pupil has access to a personal electronic
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "device"?
devices
, and it's a
After 'must', the verb is used without 'to'. Probably, you should use "must" or "have to" here.
must to
comply with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
studying program.
Firstly
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
all necessary information online and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
up with the curriculum. According to statistics
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
in 2015, 94% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
age 3 to 18 had a computer at home, and 70% of them had access to the Internet.
Also
, while using
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
deal with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
applications and learn how to search for and process information and solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
issues.
Finally
, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for their
overall
cognitive
Possible typo: apostrophe is missing. Did you mean "skills'" or "skill's"?
skills
development.
For example
, my nephew
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
can solve everyday day life's challenges using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
methods learned from using computers.

However
, when kids
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
using
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technologies
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
acquainted with the computer games.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
And they can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hooked up on gaming,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
video games are
intentionally
designed to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
addictive.  
Fortunately
, with
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
proper parental advisory this potential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
can be
easily
overcome.
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The Times
You should probably use "say".
says
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if oldest restrict the gaming time, then 95% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
addicted.

To sum up, the benefits of more effective studying, learning new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
and developing cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
outweighs potential pitfalls of technology misuse and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of getting addicted to them.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
283 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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