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More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v.1

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1
The recent development in the technological area has been very beneficial for the society. These days it is common to observe children spending significant amounts of time on electronic devices such as computers and tablets.  Many people like to believe that children spending more time on electronic devices can improve their technology skills. However, I believe that this development has more disadvantages. The benefit of this development is that it will keep children occupied. There is no doubt that raising children and taking care of them can be stressful at times for parents so allowing them to play on a device means that the parents can have a break and not have to continually entertain them. This could potentially mean improved family relationships. However, there are downsides to this.  Nowadays, children spend too much time on these electronic devices which can cause health problems like reducing eye vision. Studies also indicate children using these devices may have more difficulty sleeping, something which is crucial for mental development. In addition, two this children's free time can be better utilised with other activities. Although they may learn some technological skills, they mostly just play games, and in any case computer skills are now taught in school. Of much more benefit is encouraging children to spend their free time interacting with other children, playing with normal toys, and playing other games outside, which will foster their creative, cognitive, and social skills. In conclusion, though there are more drawbacks of allowing children to use computers and tablets. While it may give parents more time, it could damage their mental and physical development.
The recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
in the technological area has been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
beneficial for the society. These days it is common to observe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending significant amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
such as computers and tablets.  
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spending more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
However
, I believe that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
has more disadvantages.

The benefit of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
is that it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
occupied. There is no doubt that raising
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and taking care of them can be stressful at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
for parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
allowing them to play on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
means that the parents can have a break and not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
continually
entertain them. This could
potentially
mean
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
family relationships.

However
, there are downsides to this.  Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on these electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
which can cause health problems like reducing eye vision. Studies
also
indicate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
using these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
may have more difficulty sleeping, something which is crucial for mental development.

In addition
, two
Did you mean "these"?
this
children's free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can be better
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
with other activities. Although they may learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
technological
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, they
mostly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
play games, and in any case computer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
taught in school. Of much more benefit is encouraging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
interacting with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, playing with normal toys, and playing other games outside, which will foster their creative, cognitive, and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

In conclusion
, though there are more drawbacks of allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
computers and tablets. While it may give parents more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, it could damage their mental and physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
268 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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