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More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v.4

More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v. 4
Some mothers and fathers think that their kids would improve their technological abilities if they play with computers and tablets with their allowance. Firstly, this essay will discuss the benefits of this idea, secondly, it will explain the drawbacks. One the one hand, internet and technology are extremely crucial in these days. Parents want their children to understand how does these devices work, thus, they set their kids free on playing computer games or watching videos. Internet contains a lot of information, so you can learn everything that you want or you can improve yourself on any task. For instance, if you are in university and you have to pass the exam, you just need to open a video of the lesson while sitting in your home. Youths could learn a lot of good stuff from these websites and videos, such as how to plant a tree or how to build a tree house. On the other hand, ancestors have to be careful and take care of their teens or youths. The internet may be a huge source of information, however, it exists an enormous hazardous information as well. Moreover, your kids could be influenced by these videos and they might grow aggressively. For example, your child may read satanist passages and then, they might attack you or his/her brother/sister. Also, online chat sites are significantly dangerous for teens. Your kid might talk with a vandal stranger and might be meet up with him, furthermore, he/she could be beaten or stabbed after the meeting with a random person. In conclusion, internet and other devices are very popular in our lives, hence, ancestors should protect their child from the dark side of the internet. In my opinion, technological goods and devices are necessary, but we have to follow their activities more often.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
mothers and fathers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their technological abilities if they play with computers and tablets with their allowance.
Firstly
, this essay will discuss the benefits of this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
,
secondly
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the drawbacks.

Did you mean "on"?
One
the one hand, internet and technology are
extremely
crucial in these days. Parents want their children to understand how does these devices work,
thus
, they set their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
free on playing computer games or watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
. Internet contains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
information,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
you can learn everything that you want or you can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
yourself on any task.
For instance
, if you are in university and you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pass the exam, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need to open a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
of the lesson while sitting in your home. Youths could learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stuff from these websites and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
, such as how to plant a tree or how to build a tree
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.

On the other hand
, ancestors
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be careful and take care of their teens or youths. The internet may be a huge source of information,
however
, it exists an enormous hazardous information
as well
.
Moreover
, your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
could
be influenced
by these
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
videos and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
grow
aggressively
.
For example
, your child may read satanist passages and then, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
attack you or his/her brother/sister.
Also
, online chat sites are
significantly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
for teens. Your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
talk with a vandal stranger and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
might
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
up with him,
furthermore
, he/she could
be beaten
or stabbed after the meeting with a random person.

In conclusion
, internet and other devices are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
popular in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
,
hence
, ancestors should protect their child from the dark side of the internet. In my opinion, technological
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and devices are necessary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
follow their activities more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more parents are allowing their children to play on computers and tablets as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
301 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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