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More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care if their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion v.1

More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care if their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. with this opinion v. 1
In contemporary society, there are increasing husbands in their families choose to stay in to look after their children instead of going out to work. Many people insist on the view that this will help them build up a healthier families than dual-career families. As far as I am concerned, I tend to agree with this statement as the reasons below. On the one hand, in the gender-blind society, it is no longer necessary for men to assume the responsibility to pay for their families' living expense and their wives take care of the children at home. Conversely, it is not uncommon to see that many families are the other way round, because men also have equal capacity as women to handle the household matters. Indeed, this is not prevalent in some countries of different culture and religions, but it seems an unavoidable change in today's world. On the other hand, it is undeniable that children need supervision from their parents after school. It can be seen that many children are fond of spending most of their spare time on playing video games and walking on the street with peers because both of their parents are absent from home. As a result, they will be easily influenced by inappropriate information from computers or socially acceptable activities such as violence and drinking. Therefore, single-working families are able to deliver more proper supervision to their children than both-working families in terms of parenting. In conclusion, as the promotion of sexual equality, the phenomenon of house-husband is understandable, and this will creates benefit to the families because their children will be guided and controlled when they leave school.
In contemporary society, there are increasing husbands in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
choose to stay in to look after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
instead
of going out to work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
insist on the view that this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them build up a healthier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
than dual-career
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. As far as I
am concerned
, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement as the reasons below.

On the one hand, in the gender-blind society, it is no longer necessary for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
to assume the responsibility to pay for their families' living expense and their wives take care of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at home.
Conversely
, it is not uncommon to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are the other way round,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
also
have equal capacity as women to handle the household matters.
Indeed
, this is not prevalent in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture and religions,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it seems an unavoidable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need supervision from their parents after school. It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are fond of spending most of their spare time on playing video games and walking on the street with peers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both of their parents are absent from home.
As a result
, they will be
easily
influenced by inappropriate information from computers or
socially
acceptable activities such as violence and drinking.
Therefore
, single-working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
are able to deliver more proper supervision to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
than both-working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
in terms of parenting.

In conclusion
, as the promotion of sexual equality, the phenomenon of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
-husband is understandable, and this will creates benefit to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
be guided
and controlled when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
school.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care if their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. with this opinion v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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