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More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care if their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion v.2

More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care if their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. with this opinion v. 2
The face of our society is changing very rapidly. Male Partner prefers sitting at home and taking care of their kids, whereas wives are very actively indulging themselves in work culture. In my opinion, I totally disagree to above said statement and wish both parents to anticipate equally in the effort. First and foremost, if one and the other parent will do a job, they can adopt better lifestyle for their child. They will have more money and can easily provide them with things they need and hence they will stay away from practices like stealing, lying, etc. For example, The survey was done, which concluded that single parent working increase burden over family nearly twice, due to which, kids from their early age, in need of things, start lying, steeling. Also, some case of hurt, violence has been reported. Therefore, the couple needs to work which will definitely improve the lifestyle of their and their child. Secondly, father and mother both working, will keep them indulged in work and busy. There will be less number of divorces. For instance, those individuals who are educated and stay busy working for a better future of their children, spend less day together. Therefore, they stay together for a very less amount of moment. Hence, they stick together as happy family and less very incidence of divorce reported. To conclude, I must say, none of the partner need to stay at home, neither father nor mother. Parents can still manage to give time to their children while they indulge themselves full time working.
The face of our society is changing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rapidly
. Male Partner prefers sitting at home and taking care of their kids, whereas wives are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
actively
indulging themselves in work culture. In my opinion, I
totally
disagree to above said statement and wish both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to anticipate
equally
in the effort.

First
and foremost, if one and the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
will do a job, they can adopt better lifestyle for their child. They will have more money and can
easily
provide them with things they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
and
hence
they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
away from practices like stealing, lying, etc.
For example
, The survey
was done
, which concluded that single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
increase burden over family
nearly
twice, due to which, kids from their early age, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of things,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
lying, steeling.
Also
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
case of hurt, violence has
been reported
.
Therefore
, the couple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to work which will definitely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the lifestyle of their and their child.

Secondly
, father and mother both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them indulged in work and busy. There will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
number of divorces.
For instance
, those individuals who
are educated
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for a better future of their children, spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
day together.
Therefore
, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
together for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
amount of moment.
Hence
, they stick together as happy family and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
incidence of divorce reported.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
say, none of the partner
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
stay
at home, neither father nor mother.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
can
still
manage to give time to their children while they indulge themselves full time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care if their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. with this opinion v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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