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Many people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on other factors. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.2

Many people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on other factors. v. 2
In general, people consider that industrial achievement is crucial for joy and also largely dependent on economic condition. Some other people believe that there are other factor also contribute in overall personal delight. I believe that capital cannot be the main factor. I shall discuss both points in the essay. People who believe that personal wellbeing have direct connection with wealth have some valid point, To begin with, basic necessities must be met in order to live the dignified life and without dignity, one cannot feel happy. These basic necessities can only be brought through cash. Furthermore, the mere fulfilment of basic need can not give long term satisfaction and people like to do more activities such as travel, eat outside, cinema etc. And no doubt that cash is required on such places. For instance, As per survey in the Britain half of the people consider a luxury trip as a major source of pleasure and do not hesitate to spend large sums on luxury. However, it is found that despite of having cash and comfort in life people are not happy and clearly another factor is involved to become satiate. Firstly, personal relationship must be smooth with family member and society as well. It is found in some cases, people do not have cordial relationship with the member and ignored everywhere. For Instance, my uncle is the CEO of the company has enough wealth, but still not leading happy time. Secondly, health contributes major role in personal gratification. People, who are ill or not fit- in owing to any reasons, can’t be happier irrespective of their financial status. To conclude, salary is definitely playing an important factory in personal glee, but there are other factors like relation, health, respect in society which also cannot be ignored for getting jubilation.
In general
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider that industrial achievement is crucial for joy and
also
largely
dependent on economic condition.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that there are other
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "factors"?
factor
also
contribute in
overall
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
delight. I believe that capital cannot be the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
. I shall discuss both points in the essay.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
who believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
have direct connection with wealth have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
valid point, To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be met
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
the dignified life and without dignity, one cannot feel happy. These
Consider using "necessities".
basic necessities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be brought
through cash.
Furthermore
, the mere
Possible spelling mistake. 'fulfilment' is British English.
fulfilment
of basic need can not give long term satisfaction and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to do more activities such as travel, eat outside, cinema etc. And no doubt that cash
is required
on such places.
For instance
, As per survey in the Britain half of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider a luxury trip as a major source of pleasure and do not hesitate to spend large sums on luxury.

However
, it
is found
that
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
having cash and comfort in life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not happy and
clearly
another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
is involved
to become satiate.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
relationship
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be smooth with family member and society
as well
. It
is found
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have cordial relationship with the member and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
everywhere.
For Instance
, my uncle is the CEO of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
wealth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
still
not leading happy time.
Secondly
, health contributes major role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
gratification.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
, who are ill or not fit- in owing to any reasons, can’t be happier irrespective of their financial status.

To conclude
, salary is definitely playing an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factory in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
glee,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
like relation, health, respect in society which
also
cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignored
for getting jubilation.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on other factors. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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