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Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. v. 1
It is stated that the daily application of computers can do more harm than good to children. In my opinion, I completely agree that the disadvantages of using a computer everyday outweigh the benefits it has to offer children. In recent times, it can be seen that children spend twice as much time than usual using computers every day and this has drastically affected their physical activities. Children no longer engage in physical things such as, playing with toys and taking a walk, they prefer to press their gadgets all day long without any distractions. This often results to different health problems like, obesity, bad vision among others. Take for example, my 15 years old nephew is suffering from obesity due to his parentage negligence, after school his daily routine is to go to his room and press computer throughout the day without stepping out for a walk. I also heard of a similar situation where a 7 year old boy nearly lost his sight as a result of constant use of computers, his parent's excuse for not limiting his screen time was that the child has a passion for technology and they wanted to encourage him to achieve his dream, not knowing that the risk involved in consistent usage of computers by children is very high. Also, overusing of computers can affect children's interpersonal relationship and social skills with their peers because they get too addicted with using computers and start restraining from socialising and interacting with their friends. Many teachers express their concern to parents that using computers too often can cause a delay in their children's social development because every child is required to socialise and interact with other human beings. For instance, a child that does not interact with people might have challenges in expressing their feelings to others. In conclusion, Parents must endeavour to limit their children's screen time and allow them engage in physical activities and also have time to socialise with their peers because it helps them with the necessary skills needed. It is evident that the harm the daily use of computers causes in children is more than what they stand to gain.
It
is stated
that the daily application of computers can do more harm than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. In my opinion, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the disadvantages of using a computer
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
outweigh the benefits it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
offer children.

In recent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend twice as much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
than usual using computers every day and this has
drastically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
their physical activities.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
no longer engage in physical things such as, playing with toys and taking a walk, they prefer to press their gadgets all day long without any distractions. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
health problems like, obesity,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
vision among others. Take
for example
, my 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
nephew is suffering from obesity due to his parentage negligence, after school his daily routine is to go to his room and press computer throughout the day without stepping out for a walk. I
also
heard of a similar situation where a 7 year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
boy
nearly
lost his sight
as a result
of constant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers, his parent's excuse for not limiting his screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
was that the child has a passion for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
technology and
they wanted to encourage him to achieve his dream, not knowing that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
involved in consistent usage of computers by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high.

Also
, overusing of computers can affect children's interpersonal relationship and social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
with their peers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
too addicted with using computers and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
restraining from
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialising' is British English.
socialising
and interacting with their friends.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
teachers express their concern to parents that using computers too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
can cause a delay in their children's social development
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every child
is required
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
and interact with other human beings.
For instance
, a child that does not interact with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might have challenges in expressing their feelings to others.

In conclusion
, Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to limit their children's screen
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them
Please check whether 'to' is missing here (to allow to do something).
engage
in physical activities and
also
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
with their peers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them with the necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
needed. It is evident that the harm the daily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of computers causes in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is more than what they stand to gain.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
361 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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