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Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. Do you agree or disagree? v.3

Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. v. 3
Present style of living is indicating that, ancestor's are having very less time to spend with their offsprings. When compared to the past, children today are feeling lost and isolated, as they are not able to receive the attention from the parent's. In my opinion, I agree in this regard that, families are becoming apart from each other in the busy world, due to, increase in industrialisation. However, these can be resolved with proper management of personal life, and, the professional activity. On the one hand, during the past, children used to spend quality present, able to managing education, and fun season with family. But, currently, children are not able to spend good pace with their mother and, further, resulting in stress and depression, affecting the entity. For example, During olden times, individuals used to work for a limited time, and spend the rest of their hour with the juvenile, while today, the guardian has been made to continuously work for longer periods of week, irrespective of gender and age, furthermore, leading to a negative outcome in the child upbringing. These sorts of the events brings, failure of parenthood, and, also lack of the morale, in the future generations. Moreover, These kind of lifestyles can be avoided and, controlled by managing the roles and responsibilities of a specific position, which can be done by both employee, and, organizations. For Instance, Most of the management is currently offering the opportunity to bread winners to work at home, which helps them to achieve their organizational goal, as well as, the kid satisfaction. Hence, maintaining a healthy environment around their home. Finally, In conclusion, I conclude that, Despite of, hectic ways of settling of the growth, by the communities, it can be prevented by taking necessary measures, which doesn't affect the youth life. If it is not possible, these sequences would, in addition, forwarded for, drastic, and dreadful events, which are not beneficial for human kind and society.
Present style of living is indicating that,
Did you mean the plural instead of the possessive?
ancestor's
are having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
less time to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
with their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
. When compared to the past, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are feeling lost and isolated, as they are not able to receive the attention from the parent's. In my opinion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
in this regard that, families are becoming apart from each other in the busy world, due to, increase in
Possible spelling mistake. 'industrialisation' is British English.
industrialisation
.
However
, these can
be resolved
with proper management of personal life, and, the professional activity.

On the one hand, during the past, children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
quality present, able to managing education, and fun season with family.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
,
currently
, children are not able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
pace with their mother and,
further
, resulting in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and depression, affecting the entity.
For example
, During olden times, individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work for a limited time, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
the rest of their hour with the juvenile, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, the guardian has
been made
to
continuously
work for longer periods of week, irrespective of gender and age,
furthermore
, leading to a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcome in the child upbringing. These sorts of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
brings, failure of parenthood, and,
also
lack of the morale, in the future generations.

Moreover
,
Did you mean "this kind" or "These kinds"?
These kind
of lifestyles can
be avoided
and, controlled by managing the roles and responsibilities of a specific position, which can
be done
by both employee, and, organizations.
For Instance
, Most of the management is
currently
offering the opportunity to bread winners to work at home, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to achieve their organizational goal,
as well
as, the kid satisfaction.
Hence
, maintaining a healthy environment around their home.

Finally
,
In conclusion
, I conclude that,
Did you mean "Despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
Despite of
, hectic ways of settling of the growth, by the communities, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by taking necessary measures, which doesn't affect the youth life. If it is not possible, these sequences would,
in addition
, forwarded for, drastic, and dreadful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
, which are not beneficial for human kind and society.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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