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Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v.7

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v. 7
In the past, obesity was a common disease among adults. We are used to hear that our uncle, grandfather or aunt was going on a diet as a recommendation from their doctors. Nowadays, the danger of fatness threatens the children also. According to the statistics, the number of the children who are suffering from overweight increased. The upcoming paragraphs discuss the foremost reasons and try to find solutions. It is irrefutable that obesity became a burgeoning problem, especially among children. The main reason relates to the ongoing lifestyle; the way children spend their life characterized by sedentary rhythm. Nowadays, most of the children spend their time indoors away from any physical exercise such as; football, basketball or even usual run. With the development of technology and electronic devices, the school- age children became glued to video games and social media. Parents are considered the main cause of this habit as they didn’t put any control or specify time for these games all over the day. They have to put rules and stick to these roles for the sake of their children`s health. They can also decide one day to outdoors and play together without any kind of electronic devices. Another drastic reason for overweight is the unhealthy diet system which, is the result of the busy mother and the working father. Such a kind of family has no time to cook at home, so, they changed the homemade meals with the junk food that is rich in calories and has no or less nutrients, proteins and fibres. This type of unhealthy food leads to many problems and has a negative effect on the children`s health. If parents are busy, this is not a justification, they can easily find substitutions such as, milk, egg, vegetables and fruits. They can also teach their children how to cook healthy cooking with simple ingredients. To conclude, one can say that the increasing scale of obesity among youngsters and children is a serious problem which, all of us should cooperate to solve. The government also can participate as they can pan the fizzy drinks and junk snacks at schools in order to save our children as much as they can from this disease.
In the past, obesity was a common disease among adults. We are
In the grammatical structure 'pronoun + be/get + used + to + verb', the verb 'used' is used with the gerund: "used to hearing".
used to hear
that our uncle, grandfather or aunt was going on a diet as a recommendation from their doctors. Nowadays, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
of fatness threatens the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
also
. According to the statistics, the number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are suffering from overweight increased. The upcoming paragraphs discuss the foremost reasons and try to find solutions.

It is irrefutable that obesity became a burgeoning problem,
especially
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. The main reason relates to the ongoing lifestyle; the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their life characterized by sedentary rhythm. Nowadays, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend their time indoors away from any physical exercise such as; football, basketball or even usual run. With the development of technology and electronic devices, the school- age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
became glued to video games and social media. Parents
are considered
the main cause of this habit as they didn’t put any control or specify time for these games all over the day. They
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
put
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and stick to these roles for the sake of their
The character between 'children' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "children’s" (curly apostrophe) or "children's" (straight apostrophe).
children`s
health. They can
also
decide one day to outdoors and play together without any kind of electronic devices.

Another drastic reason for overweight is the unhealthy diet system which, is the result of the busy mother and the working father. Such a kind of family has no time to cook at home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the homemade meals with the junk food
that is
rich in calories and has
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
or
Did you mean "fewer"? The noun nutrients is countable.
less
nutrients, proteins and
Possible spelling mistake. 'fibres' is British English.
fibres
. This type of unhealthy food leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems and has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on the
The character between 'children' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "children’s" (curly apostrophe) or "children's" (straight apostrophe).
children`s
health. If parents are busy, this is not a justification, they can
easily
find substitutions such as, milk, egg, vegetables and fruits. They can
also
teach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
how to cook healthy cooking with simple ingredients.

To conclude
, one can say that the increasing scale of obesity among youngsters and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is a serious problem which, all of us should cooperate to solve. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
also
can participate as they can pan the fizzy drinks and junk snacks at schools in order to save our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as much as they can from this disease.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
368 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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