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Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v.2

Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v. 2
Being clinically obese was once only a condition that adults suffered from, but it is becoming more common in people under the age of 18. The essay will first discuss how fast food is the primary cause of this growing problem, followed by a discussion of how education is the most viable solution. Restaurants serving junk food, such as Mc Donalds, are becoming ever more popular. This is leading to young kids eating food with a high calorie content more often, and even becoming addicted to these high-fat meals. This results in them regularly eating over their daily allowance of calories and putting on weight. For example, the average meal of burger and fries contains more than half a child’s daily energy requirements. The best solution to this is to educate children about the dangers of being severely overweight. If there was more being done to raise awareness of the types of diseases associated with obesity, children might think twice before asking their parents to take them to the local fast food restaurants. For instance, Germany has recently banned all fatty foods from its schools and taught children the value of healthy eating and this has resulted in an 20% drop in obesity-related diabetes. In conclusion, it may be true that many young generation are struggling with their weight because of eating too many fatty meals in well-know fast food restaurants, but if education system gives children enough information about the risks they are taking by doing this, the problem can be alleviated.
Being
clinically
obese was once
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a condition that adults suffered from,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is becoming more common in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
under the age of 18. The essay will
first
discuss how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is the primary cause of this growing problem, followed by a discussion of how education is the most viable solution.

Restaurants serving junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mc
Possible spelling mistake found.
Donalds
, are becoming ever more popular. This is leading to young kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
with a high calorie content more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
, and even becoming addicted to these high-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
meals. This results in them
regularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
over their daily allowance of calories and putting on weight.
For example
, the average meal of burger and fries contains more than half a child’s daily energy requirements.

The best solution to this is to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of being
severely
overweight. If there was more
being done
to raise awareness of the types of diseases associated with obesity,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
twice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
asking their parents to take them to the local
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants.
For instance
, Germany has recently banned all fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
from its schools and taught
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the value of healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
and this has resulted in an 20% drop in obesity-related diabetes.

In conclusion
, it may be true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young generation are struggling with their weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
eating
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fatty meals in well-know
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if education system gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
information about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
they are taking by doing this, the problem can
be alleviated
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Modern children are suffering from the diseases that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes and what solutions can be offered? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
253 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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