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Modern children are suffering from the disease that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes ad what solutions can be offered? v.2

Modern children are suffering from the disease that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes ad what solutions can be offered? v. 2
In this temporary era, adolescents have several ailment tribulations that are supposed to be suffered by adults. In accordance with this, obesity is one of the instances of the diseases that which are common for juveniles. In regard to this statement, this essay will explain the contributing factors of this issue and also put forward a number of remedial measures for it. According to the previous argument, the development of globalisation in this era rendered numerous benefits and drawbacks for all individuals across the globe, such as the problem that I have written above. I firmly believe that there are several causative factors of this challenge. It, first and foremost, is caused by the lack of monitoring of the adults to the children, specifically, monitoring for consuming food, since they are not being controlled properly, youngsters suffer various ailments that are not common for them in earlier times. Furthermore, it, additionally, is produced by the increasing number of the food which is not cooked properly and consisted by perilous ingredients. Regarding to the counter measures of two tribulations above, older people, firstly, have to increase the managing time of taking care of juveniles in order to create fewer negative impacts later. Secondly, the authority of every nation has to make a strict regulation of each food which has to be consisted by healthy ingredient and has to be cooked properly. By way of conclusion, it seems to me that the negative influence which was created of this issue is able to be countered by several solutions. Thus, in order to make it happen, we, as adults, have to support our government law which focused on healthy food and have to maintain each meal that adolescents are going to consume.
In this temporary era, adolescents have several ailment tribulations that
are supposed
to
be suffered
by adults. In accordance with this, obesity is one of the instances of the diseases that which are common for juveniles.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
regard to this statement, this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
the contributing factors of this issue and
also
put forward a number of remedial measures for it.

According to the previous argument, the development of
Possible spelling mistake. 'globalisation' is British English.
globalisation
in this era rendered numerous benefits and drawbacks for all individuals across the globe, such as the problem that I have written above. I
firmly
believe that there are several causative factors of this challenge. It,
first
and foremost,
is caused
by the lack of monitoring of the adults to the children,
specifically
, monitoring for consuming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, since they are not
being controlled
properly
, youngsters suffer various ailments that are not common for them in earlier times.
Furthermore
, it,
additionally
,
is produced
by the increasing number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which is not cooked
properly
and consisted by perilous ingredients.

The phrase 'Regarding to' is not correct. Use "Regarding" or "regard to".
Regarding to
the counter measures of two tribulations above, older
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
increase the managing time of taking care of juveniles in order to create fewer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts later.
Secondly
, the authority of every nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a strict regulation of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be consisted
by healthy ingredient and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be cooked
properly
.

By way of conclusion, it seems to me that the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influence which
was created
of this issue is able to
be countered
by several solutions.
Thus
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it happen, we, as adults,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
support our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
law which focused on healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
maintain each meal that adolescents are going to consume.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Modern children are suffering from the disease that were once considered to be meant for adults only. Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children. What are its causes ad what solutions can be offered? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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