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Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should governments encourage a certain rate of these jobs to be for women? v.6

Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should governments encourage a certain rate of these jobs to be for women? v. 6
In recent decades, it is true that the majority of people who work as senior professions are males, while the number of females in the same field account for a little proportion. As far as I am concerned, I think that more occupations should be given to females by the states. This following essay aimed to examine the major reasons for my opinions. Admittedly, there are a number of contributing factors for why letting women get a high-ranking position in an enterprise may reap certain benefits. Initially, gender equality in a society might be boosted dramatically. Evidently, the jobs which men are offered are assigned to the female, which shows the vitality of women in a community due to the fact that they not only convey the message that they can hold a superior title as males but also become a good model for young girls. What is more, this policy will release pressure on the labor market which is a scarce upper resource as well as help to restructure. Without such rule, gender inequality and the lack of human sources would put the society into the chaos that leads to the crisis. It is vividly the fact that the more money these females earn, the more taxes they would pay to assist the community and the state with governmental systems such as health care, education, and infrastructure, etc, which means it releases the heave burden on the authority. Not to mention that a variety of females in an abundance of nations appointed to a leader of a country or chief executive officer of multinational company and they are also the most powerful females on a global scale such as Angela Merkel who is Premier Minister of Germany or Mary Barra - Managing Director of General Motor firm, which means women can do better than man in some areas of employee relying on themselves’ talent as well as they possess more excellent element than the opposing gender. In conclusion, it seems to me that more females are assigned to the high title, bring about more merits than drawbacks. Therefore, enacting policies by the states to let females hold a high level is a completely judicious decision.
In recent decades, it is true that the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who work as senior professions are males, while the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in the same field account for a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
proportion. As far as I
am concerned
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that more occupations should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
by the states. This following essay aimed to examine the major reasons for my opinions.

Admittedly
, there are a number of contributing factors for why letting women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a high-ranking position in an enterprise may reap certain benefits.
Initially
, gender equality in a society might
be boosted
dramatically
.
Evidently
, the jobs which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are offered
are assigned
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the vitality of women in a community due to the fact that they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
convey the message that they can hold a superior title as males
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
become a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
model for young girls.
What is more
, this policy will release pressure on the labor market which is a scarce upper resource
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to restructure. Without such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
, gender inequality and the lack of human sources would put the society into the chaos that leads to the crisis.

It is
vividly
the fact that the more money these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
earn, the more taxes they would pay to assist the community and the state with governmental systems such as health care, education, and infrastructure, etc, which means it releases the heave burden on the authority. Not to mention that a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in an abundance of nations appointed to a leader of a country or chief executive officer of multinational
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
company and
they are
also
the most powerful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
on a global scale such as Angela Merkel who is Premier Minister of Germany or Mary
Possible spelling mistake found.
Barra
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
Managing Director of General Motor firm, which means women can do better than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
areas of employee relying on themselves’ talent
as well
as they possess more excellent element than the opposing gender.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
are assigned
to the high title, bring about more merits than drawbacks.
Therefore
, enacting policies by the states to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
hold a high level is a completely judicious decision.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should governments encourage a certain rate of these jobs to be for women? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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