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Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? Use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence. v.2

Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? Use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence. v. 2
I believe, the government has the biggest responsibility regarding fair job distribution. Therefore, it is in charge of assuring jobs, and equal opportunities for both men and women. Although, the male gender represents most of the work force. Also, business companies, especially the private ones, are not very keen on hiring women, because they see them as a liability. Firstly, we should take in consideration, that men occupy more job positions than women. Hence, it should could as no surprise that it is more likely for men to get promoted and occupy high-level jobs. For example, most companies like to hire people who do not pose many objections in matters like traveling abroad for a business meeting, or working late nights. While men usually have no problem with such things, women tend to decline job offers that involve such risks, or demand some sort of monetary compensation. On the other hand, it is a pure discrimination to not hire a person of a certain gender, just because the other one presents less of an economic risk. Most employers also do not hire many young women, because they can get pregnant, and therefore it will result in them missing more work days on maternity leave, resulting in a decrease in rentability. For instance, if an employer cannot decide who to promote between a man and a woman, and both of them are equally matched, chances are that the promotion will be given to the man, since, he is more likely not to miss as many work days. In my opinion, both genders should deserve the same respect and opportunities. However, hiring employees of the male gender presents less of a risk, and therefore because they are greater number they are more likely to achieve jobs of greater importance. Yet, in order to balance the scale, the government should ensure that at least, one of these very important jobs, is given to a deserving woman, despite not being the most profitable solution. Such a measure is already being executed in Portugal.
I believe, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has the biggest responsibility regarding
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
distribution.
Therefore
, it is in charge of assuring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, and equal opportunities for both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
“Although” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Although
, the male gender represents most of the work force.
Also
, business
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
,
especially
the private ones, are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
keen on hiring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
them as a liability.

Firstly
, we should take in consideration, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
occupy more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
positions than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
Hence
, it should
This form is ambiguous and can be used as past tense. Confirm that you are using the intended base form of the main verb after 'to do' as an auxiliary verb..
could
as no surprise that it is more likely for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promoted and occupy high-level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
For example
, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
like to hire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who do not pose
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
objections in matters like traveling abroad for a business meeting, or working late nights. While
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
usually
have no problem with such things,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
tend to decline
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
offers that involve such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
, or demand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sort of monetary compensation.

On the other hand
, it is a pure discrimination to not hire a person of a certain gender,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the other one presents less of an economic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. Most employers
also
do not hire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
pregnant, and
therefore
it will result in them missing more work days on maternity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
, resulting in a decrease in rentability.
For instance
, if an employer cannot decide who to promote between a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and a woman, and both of them are
equally
matched, chances are that the promotion will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
, since, he is more likely not to miss as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
work days.

In my opinion, both genders should deserve the same respect and opportunities.
However
, hiring employees of the male gender presents less of a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
, and
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are greater number they are more likely to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
of greater importance.
Yet
, in order to balance the scale, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ensure that at least, one of these
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to a deserving woman, despite not being the most profitable solution. Such a measure is already
being executed
in Portugal.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? Use your own knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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