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Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? v.3

Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? v. 3
Imposing a higher tax on unhealthy foods is mandatory because, in some communities, this type of food has been causing health issues in the population. Nevertheless, I completely disagree with this statement due to the following reasons. To begin with, educational programs are more efficient than imposing a higher tax, because not only children but also adults need to understand the benefits of eating properly, which would lead to a significant increase in the overall mental health of the community. For instance, a recent study indicated that people who have a higher education have 75% more probability to conduct a healthy diet plan, as they are aware of the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. Apart from that, freedom is one of the most substantial rights of the individual, due to the fact that people are entitled to have the option to choose, as a result, the government cannot ban such an essential right to choose what to ingest. Furthermore, people already pay too many taxes, since the government often increase the tax rates, therefore it would be a burden even arduous to citizens to carry. For example, this has been evidenced by a recent survey that found that 84% of London taxpayers do not have any savings, which demonstrates that they are living on a small monthly budget. In addition, instead of imposing a new tax, the government could promote outdoor public activities given that cardio exercises improve community health, as a consequence, fewer people would need public healthcare. In conclusion, an individual must decide what to eat, based on educational programs and the right to freedom, as well as considering the overload of taxes and the promotion of outdoor public activities. In my opinion, I do believe that the government should not impose a new tax on junk food.
Imposing a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
on unhealthy foods is mandatory
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
communities, this type of food has been causing health issues in the population.
Nevertheless
, I completely disagree with this statement due to the following reasons.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, educational programs are more efficient than imposing a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
adults need to understand the benefits of eating
properly
, which would lead to a significant increase in the
overall
mental health of the community.
For instance
, a recent study indicated that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have a higher education have 75% more probability to conduct a healthy diet plan, as they are aware of the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. Apart from that, freedom is one of the most substantial rights of the individual, due to the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are entitled
to have the option to choose,
as a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
cannot ban such an essential right to choose what to ingest.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
already pay too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
, since the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
rates,
therefore
it would be a burden even arduous to citizens to carry.
For example
, this has
been evidenced
by a recent survey that found that 84% of London taxpayers do not have any savings, which demonstrates that they are living on a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
monthly budget.
In addition
,
instead
of imposing a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
could promote outdoor public activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that cardio exercises
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
community health, as a consequence, fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would need public healthcare.

In conclusion
, an individual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
decide what to eat, based on educational programs and the right to freedom,
as well
as considering the overload of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
and the promotion of outdoor public activities.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
my opinion, I do believe that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should not impose a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
on junk food.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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