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Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? v.4

Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? v. 4
There is a section of society that considers it absolutely necessary to teach students art related subjects at school. However, on the other hand, some are of the view that art related subjects are frivolous, futile and unproductive. Therefore, instead of squandering time on such subjects, time should be spent on other productive subjects so that it could be optimally utilized. Before giving my opinion, I would like to discuss both views. On one hand, there are people who regard art as a redundant subject. Perhaps, such people are of the opinion that by studying art, students would not be able to acquire any practical skill and cannot make a stable career out of it thus rendering it an unrewarding subject. For instance, if someone studies subjects like science, mathematics or computer, such subjects would equip him with the skills required in the job market and he would be able to compete and pursue a successful career by studying such subjects whereas art may be good for nothing. On the contrary, there are people who believe that it is extremely important to impart art education to students at school. There are various reasons to substantiate this argument. First and foremost is that art plays a vital role in personality development of a student. It helps enhance creativity and hone problem solving skills. There are various research reports published by reputed institutions which corroborate this fact. Moreover, it is a prevalent notion that artists are often not paid well which is not the case. In the modern era, the advancement in technology and explosive growth of the internet has created a plethora of opportunities for digital designers, multimedia artists and animators. Furthermore, students studying diverse subjects can benefit from interdisciplinary studies. They can apply their knowledge from one discipline to solve problems of other subjects, consequently maximizing their learning experience. This has lead me to conclude that art is of paramount significance for a school going child as it helps foster creativity and innovation, creates a diverse learning experience. Moreover, it can also lead to a successful career. Therefore, significance of art as a subject for school going children cannot be undermined.
There is a section of society that considers it
absolutely
necessary to teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
However
,
on the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are frivolous, futile and unproductive.
Therefore
,
instead
of squandering time on such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, time should
be spent
on other productive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it could be
optimally
utilized.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
giving my opinion, I would like to discuss both views.

On one hand, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who regard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a redundant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
. Perhaps, such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that by studying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would not be able to acquire any practical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
and cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a stable career out of it
thus
rendering it an unrewarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
.
For instance
, if someone studies
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like science, mathematics or computer, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
would equip him with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
required in the job
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
market and
he would be able to compete and pursue a successful career by studying such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for nothing.

On the contrary
, there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who believe that it is
extremely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to impart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
education to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. There are various reasons to substantiate this argument.
First
and foremost is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
plays a vital role in personality development of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
enhance creativity and hone problem solving
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. There are various research reports published by reputed institutions which corroborate this fact.
Moreover
, it is a prevalent notion that artists are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
not paid well which is not the case. In the modern era, the advancement in technology and explosive growth of the internet has created a plethora of opportunities for digital designers, multimedia artists and animators.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
studying diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can benefit from interdisciplinary studies. They can apply their knowledge from one discipline to solve problems of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
consequently
maximizing their learning experience.

This has
Possible agreement error – use past participle here: "leaded", "led".
lead
me
to conclude
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is of paramount significance for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
going child as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
foster creativity and innovation, creates a diverse learning experience.
Moreover
, it can
also
lead to a successful career.
Therefore
, significance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
going children cannot
be undermined
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Men do most of the high-level jobs. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women? What is your opinion on that? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
361 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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