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It is suggested that all young people should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v.1

It is suggested that all young people should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v. 1
owever, different people have distinct mindset. I do not agree with both the views. In my opinion, the authorities should support the inventor as well as other matters. The following paragraph would shed light on both approaches before making a final note. To commence with the first notion, there are myriad things to share in its favour. According to some people, the artist brings pride to the nation by the art and craft work. But it's bad times they need support. Therefore, the bureaucrats should take appropriate care of composer and help them in their needs. For example, recently, Andrew Kishore, a famous singer of Bangladesh suffers from cancer and cannot do proper treatment because of poor conditions the state gave him 1 million dollars for his better treatment. As a result, with these they can survive in their bad times and after recovery they start their work and bring more pride to our nation. In addition, the regime also organizes shows and exhibition for artist and helps them by giving profit share. Shifting towards the second school of thought, according to some people, the government should spend funds on sectors like water. This means, the authorities can put more money on water purification. For instance, a recent WHO report showed that, In 2018 Bangladesh government put less money in the aqua sector, because of this most of the slum people suffer from different kinds of diseases. Thus, The state need to better care about people daily needs. Furthermore, the authorities also take measures on other important sector likewise, environmental problems, economic growth, so more capital is still needed for these sectors. To conclude, I personally believe that, artists are a valuable asset to our nation. We need better care for them as well as other important sector related to people's daily need. So, the regime needs to better foot forward for the latter one.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
owever
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have distinct mindset. I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with both the views. In my opinion, the authorities should support the inventor
as well
as other matters. The following paragraph would shed light on both approaches
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making a final note.

To commence with the
first
notion, there are myriad things to share in its
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the artist brings pride to the nation by the art and craft work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
times they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
support.
Therefore
, the bureaucrats should take appropriate care of composer and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
For example
, recently, Andrew
Possible spelling mistake found.
Kishore
, a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
singer of Bangladesh suffers from cancer and cannot do proper treatment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of poor conditions the state gave him 1 million dollars for his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
treatment.
As a result
, with these they can survive in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
times and after recovery they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their work and bring more pride to our nation.
In addition
, the regime
also
organizes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and exhibition for artist and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them by giving profit share.

Shifting towards the second school of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should spend funds on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
like water. This means, the authorities can put more money on water purification.
For instance
, a recent WHO report
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that, In 2018 Bangladesh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
put less money in the aqua
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
,
because of this
most of the slum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of diseases.
Thus
, The state
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
care about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
.
Furthermore
, the authorities
also
take measures on other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
likewise
, environmental problems, economic growth,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
more capital is
still
needed for these sectors.

To conclude
, I
personally
believe that, artists are a valuable asset to our nation. We
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
care for them
as well
as other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
related to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the regime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
foot forward for the latter one.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay It is suggested that all young people should undertake a period of unpaid work to help people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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