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Many young children have unsupervised access to the internet to socialize with others. This has led to a number of dangerous situations which can be threatening for children. What problems do children face when going online without parental supervision? How can these problems be solved? v.1

Many young children have unsupervised access to the internet to socialize with others. This has led to a number of dangerous situations which can be threatening for children. What problems do children face when going online without parental supervision? How can these problems be solved? v. 1
Nowadays, children from all over the world have the opportunity to log onto the internet. Most parents do not watch over what platforms and websites their children use. This can put them in risky situations which can lead to bad consequences. First of all, there are lots of hackers and frauds whose main victims are children. Kids are innocent and unsuspecting, that is why they are easily fooled. While communicating with people online, they might tell personal information; address, door password, phone number etc. As a result, a number of unfortunate events can happen. For instance, if the robbers know the door password and the future plans of the inhabitants, they can easily break into the house and steal valuables. After that, parents will surely scold and accuse their children. But in fact it is their fault, since they don’t usually supervise kids’ access to the internet. Because of having unsupervised access to the internet, children can get into trouble. In order to keep their children away from dangers, parents should keep an eye on their kids while they are using the internet. They should be especially attentive to the policies and age restrictions of sites. In this way, they will get more information about the website or the app and decide whether it is safe for the kids to use it or not. Also, they should set time limits for using the internet to prevent eye diseases. In conclusion, the internet is an insecure place for children, where they can encounter plenty of threatening situations. Therefore, the parents must take the responsibility of preventing any problems that their kids might deal with.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from all over the world have the opportunity to log onto the internet. Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
over what platforms and websites their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
. This can put them in risky situations which can lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
consequences.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there are lots of hackers and frauds whose main victims are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Kids
are innocent and unsuspecting,
that is
why they are
easily
fooled. While communicating with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
online, they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
personal information; address, door password, phone number etc.
As a result
, a number of unfortunate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
can happen.
For instance
, if the robbers know the door password and the future plans of the inhabitants, they can
easily
break into the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
and steal valuables. After that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will
surely
scold and accuse their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
in fact it is their fault, since they don’t
usually
supervise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids’
access to the internet.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of having unsupervised access to the internet,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into trouble. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
away from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
while they are using the internet. They should be
especially
attentive to the policies and age restrictions of sites. In this way, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more information about the website or the app and decide whether it is safe for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it or not.
Also
, they should set time limits for using the internet to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
eye diseases.

In conclusion
, the internet is an insecure place for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, where they can encounter
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of threatening situations.
Therefore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take the responsibility of preventing any problems that their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
might deal with.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Many young children have unsupervised access to the internet to socialize with others. This has led to a number of dangerous situations which can be threatening for children. What problems do children face when going online without parental supervision? How can these problems be solved? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
273 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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