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Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are these problems and how could they be reduced? v.1

Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are these problems and how could they be reduced? v. 1
The increasing amount of violence shown in films has been a topic of discussion for some time. It is commonly believed that the direct exposure to cruelty in films is directly connected to major social issues. This essay will discuss the main problems caused by such violence including effects on young children’s mental health as well as the idealization of criminals. This essay will also suggest solutions to these problems such as framing educational policies and implementing new technologies. First of all, film violence affects the most innocent part of our society – the children. It is a fact that children, who still are emotionally immature, are easily affected by everything they are exposed to, especially aggressive acts. This may lead to a more antisocial and destructive behavior of this part of our community. A recently conducted study among children aged 3 to 6 has shown a shocking result: those who were watching violent videos for some time expressed particularly aggressive attitude towards their toys afterwards, in contrast, those who were watching different videos did not show similar deviant behavior. Moreover, antagonists in films are oftentimes presented as charismatic and attractive characters, so that people may be encouraged to look up to and romanticize them. So, particularly impressive people may believe that they can gain respect and admiration by copying this aggressive behavior, and consequently the levels of violence increase, especially in major cities around the globe. One way to tackle these problems can be potentially solved by introducing new technology which can help individuals to control what information is received or accessed in their own homes. For example, today, such a major video hosting website as YouTube has a function that removes all of the adult content, so that children can watch videos that are relevant for them. Furthermore, it is also essential to introduce educational policies aimed not only at early childhood but as well as on adult community education. This strategy should sharpen consumers’ ability to discriminate between fantasy and reality, and to become more informed and empowered consumers. In conclusion, today the increasing amount of violent moments in films has become a major issue. This essay discussed which problems emerge from the explicitly shown violence, such as aggressive behavior in children and the idealization of criminals, as well as the ways of tackling these issues, being educational campaigns and the implementation of modern technologies.
The increasing amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
shown in films has been a topic of discussion for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time. It is
commonly
believed that the direct exposure to cruelty in films is
directly
connected to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
social issues. This essay will discuss the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
caused by such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
including effects on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mental health
as well
as the idealization of criminals. This essay will
also
suggest solutions to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as framing educational policies and implementing new technologies.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, film
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
affects the most innocent part of our society
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It is a fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who
still
are
emotionally
immature, are
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by everything they
are exposed
to,
especially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aggressive
acts. This may lead to a more antisocial and destructive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
of this part of our community. A recently conducted study among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
aged 3 to 6 has shown a shocking result: those who were watching violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time expressed
particularly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aggressive
attitude towards their toys afterwards,
in contrast
, those who were watching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
similar deviant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
.
Moreover
, antagonists in films are oftentimes presented as charismatic and attractive characters,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may
be encouraged
to look up to and romanticize them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
particularly
impressive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may believe that they can gain respect and admiration by copying this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aggressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
, and
consequently
the levels of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
increase,
especially
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
cities around the globe.

One way to tackle these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
can be
potentially
solved by introducing new technology which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
individuals to control what information
is received
or accessed in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
homes.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, such a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
hosting website as YouTube has a function that removes
Consider using "all the".
all of the
adult content,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
videos
that are relevant for them.
Furthermore
, it is
also
essential to introduce educational policies aimed not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
at early childhood
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as well
as on adult community education. This strategy should sharpen consumers’ ability to discriminate between fantasy and reality, and to become more informed and empowered consumers.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
the increasing amount of violent moments in films has become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
major
issue. This essay discussed which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
emerge from the
explicitly
shown
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aggressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and the idealization of criminals,
as well
as the ways of tackling these issues, being educational campaigns and the implementation of modern technologies.
18Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay Many people believe that the high levels of violence in films today are causing serious social problems. What are these problems and how could they be reduced? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
398 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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