Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.4

Leisure time plays a pivotal role in physical and mental well-being of children. Some people assert that children should be motivated by their parents to attend social group activities; where as many other argues that they should spend their time alone to explore diverse activities and rejuvenate themselves. In my opinion, a balanced approach will be appropriate because both are beneficial for their development. To begin with, organized group activities allow children to socialize with people in their immediate vicinity. Parents these days prefer their juvenile to participate in extra-curricular/ team activities as they are important for building skills in non-academic, but equally important areas. For instance, participating in sports and joining clubs, learning a foreign language or a musical instrument will develop communication, co-operation and conflict management skills. Furthermore, a well-planned schedule of leisure activities ensures efficient utilization of time as it requires regular commitment and dedication which teach them the importance of team work and time management. These activities also enhance the confidence levels and interpersonal skills of children. On the other hand, it is not always possible to participate in group events, therefore, children should learn how to occupy themselves and explore recreational activities on their own. These unplanned activities followed by their mood at that time increase productivity and can be a source of creativity and innovation. For instance, some youngsters like reading in their spare time, which adds up their knowledge, whereas, some are creative in nature and enjoy activities like painting. These fun activities give them freedom of thought and develop decision-making abilities. Moreover, it also helps them discover their hidden talents. To conclude, although, it is certainly good for children to be exhorted by parents into collaborative activities in their leisure hours; they should be given independence to spend some time doing things on their own without intervention. In my opinion, both are crucial for personality development.
Leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
plays a pivotal role in physical and mental well-being of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assert that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be motivated
by their parents to attend social group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
;
Did you mean “whereas”?
where as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other argues that they should spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
alone to explore diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and rejuvenate themselves. In my opinion, a balanced approach will be appropriate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both are beneficial for their development.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, organized group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to socialize with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in their immediate vicinity. Parents these days prefer their juvenile to participate in extra-curricular/ team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in non-academic,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
areas.
For instance
, participating in sports and joining clubs, learning a foreign language or a musical instrument will develop communication, co-operation and conflict management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Furthermore
, a well-planned schedule of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
ensures efficient utilization of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as it requires regular commitment and dedication which teach them the importance of team work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
management. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
also
enhance the confidence levels and interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of children.

On the other hand
, it is not always possible to participate in group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn how to occupy themselves and explore recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
. These unplanned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
followed by their mood at that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
increase productivity and can be a source of creativity and innovation.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youngsters like reading in their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
up their knowledge, whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are creative in nature and enjoy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
like painting. These fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
give them freedom of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
and develop decision-making abilities.
Moreover
, it
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them discover their hidden talents.

To conclude
, although, it is
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
be exhorted
by parents into collaborative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in their leisure hours; they should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
independence to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
doing things on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
without intervention. In my opinion, both are crucial for personality development.
What do you think?
  • This is funny writingFunny
  • I love this writingLove
  • This writing has blown my mindWow
  • It made me angryAngry
  • It made me sadSad
Show Comments
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people say that parents should encourage their children to take part in organized group activities in their free time. Others say that it is important for children to learn how to occupy themselves on their own.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts