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Many working people get little ot no exercise either during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many workin people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.1

Many working people get little ot no exercise either during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many workin people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 1
It is often believed that higher education at the university level primarily prepares a person for a better, high-paying job. However, I firmly believe that this is a very narrow-minded perspective of looking at the benefits of a university education because the advantages are not only confined to the concerned individual; but the society, at large, also benefits in several ways. On the one hand, it cannot be refuted that in today's materialistic world, the issue of financial security and a high-paying job is the major determinant which goods most students to pursue higher studies in acclaimed universities. There are many reasons for this. Firstly, all professional white collar jobs of doctors, lawyers, and professors need university education after high school to pursue their respective streams. Secondly, higher qualifications ensure a better pay package. For example, the annual enumeration of a university graduate will definitely be more than that of a high school pass out. Similarly, even professionals pursue a management degree from prestigious universities to climb up the corporate ladder. On the other hand, from a wider perspective, the merits of university education are not restricted to the individual's income. Firstly, it allows the student to meet different people from diverse ethnicities cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds. This, in turn, helps to develop a more tolerant approach towards other fellow human beings and decreases the incidents of cultural intolerances which often knock out the peace of the world. Secondly, university education teaches a student to become self-reliant and independent. More often than not, most people have to live in hostels at the university and hostel life helps to develop money management skills and prepares the individuals to face the world. Last but not the least, this widens the horizons of a student's knowledge and such a responsible human being helps in contributing to a society in a positive way. To illustrate, in today's world, where hate crimes are becoming more and more common, university education will help in the overall development of a student's outlook towards his fellow human beings. In conclusion, I firmly believe that higher studies in university clearly benefit the individual and society. These advantages go beyond just the monetary gains from higher-paying jobs which university education ensures.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
believed that higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
level
primarily
prepares a person for a better, high-paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
However
, I
firmly
believe that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
narrow-minded perspective of looking at the benefits of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the advantages are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
confined to the concerned individual;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the society, at large,
also
benefits in several ways.

On the one hand, it cannot
be refuted
that in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's materialistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, the issue of financial security and a high-paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is the major determinant which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
most students to pursue higher studies in acclaimed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for this.
Firstly
, all professional white collar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
of doctors, lawyers, and professors need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
after high school to pursue their respective streams.
Secondly
, higher qualifications ensure a better pay package.
For example
, the annual enumeration of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
graduate will definitely be more than that of a high school pass out.
Similarly
, even professionals pursue a management degree from prestigious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
to climb up the corporate ladder.

On the other hand
, from a wider perspective, the merits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
are not restricted to the individual's income.
Firstly
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
the student to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from diverse ethnicities cultures and socioeconomic backgrounds. This, in turn,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to develop a more tolerant approach towards other fellow human beings and decreases the incidents of cultural intolerances which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
knock out the peace of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
teaches a student to become self-reliant and independent. More
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not, most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in hostels at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
and hostel life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
to develop money management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and prepares the individuals to face the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not the least, this widens the horizons of a student's knowledge and such a responsible human being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in contributing to a society in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way. To illustrate, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
, where hate crimes are becoming more and more common,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
in the
overall
development of a student's outlook towards his fellow human beings.

In conclusion
, I
firmly
believe that higher studies in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
clearly
benefit the individual and society. These advantages go beyond
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
the monetary gains from higher-paying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
ensures.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little ot no exercise either during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many workin people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
371 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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