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Some people think that advertising on TV is useless and others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your opinion. v.1

Some people think that advertising on TV is useless and others disagree. v. 1
Currently, the proportion between male and female students in university has become one of the most controversial and recurrent topics in our society. Whilst some people affirm that it should not be a metric to evaluate how fairness the system is, other people are strongly convinced that it is one of the main problems that causes differences between both genres. Is it a real problem that must be solved as soon as possible, or it is just a new topic that has been invented to criticize the current methodology? On the one hand, several studies have demonstrated that the proportion between both genres is considerably unbalanced in some university degrees. For instance, in computer science, the amount of male students is notably higher while in education degrees occurs exactly the opposite. Over the years, our society has developed some stereotypes that have to be changed, in order to break some frontiers that are hindering the introduction of some students independent of their genre. For this reason, I agree that some changes must be done in order to change that situation. On the other hand, forcing the proportion of male and female students is quite straightforward and it lacks of sense because the evaluation method should be based on a numeric value, like an average mark, not in the student genre. Making those differences, students will not be evaluated fairly, hence, we would be replacing an unfair method by a worse one. In conclusion, I agree that male and female students should be equally accepted by university subject. However, the way to achieve that goal is not replacing the current methodology, but breaking some traditional and archaic ideas that usually classify our society into layers, that sometimes are directly related to the genres.
Currently
, the proportion between male and female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in university has become one of the most controversial and recurrent topics in our society. Whilst
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
affirm that it should not be a metric to evaluate how fairness the system is, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
strongly
convinced that it is one of the main problems that causes differences between both genres. Is it a real problem that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be solved
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible, or it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a new topic that has
been invented
to criticize the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
methodology?

On the one hand, several studies have demonstrated that the proportion between both genres is
considerably
unbalanced in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
university degrees.
For instance
, in computer science, the amount of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is
notably
higher while in education degrees occurs exactly the opposite. Over the years, our society has developed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stereotypes that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
, in order to break
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
frontiers that are hindering the introduction of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
independent of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genre
.
For this reason
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be done
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
that situation.

On the other hand
, forcing the proportion of male and female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
is quite straightforward and it lacks of sense
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the evaluation method should
be based
on a numeric value, like an average mark, not in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genre
. Making those differences,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will not
be evaluated
fairly
,
hence
, we would be replacing an unfair method by a worse one.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that male and female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should be
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by university subject.
However
, the way to achieve that goal is not replacing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
methodology,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
breaking
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
traditional and archaic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
that
usually
classify our society into layers, that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
are
directly
related to the genres.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that advertising on TV is useless and others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
292 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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