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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.9

It is true that people do exercise not enough or they do work out hardly ever whilst working day or they have free time. even though they are going to get health problem. I totally understand that people who do not exercise after working. But we should care about our health instead of have a rest. To begin with, recently many people interested in work out so most people sign up for the gym. However It’s hard to go to the gym everyday and make great appearance. Of course we know it’s more productive habit and make us healthier. For instance, Some people who highly motivated and passionated are keep exercise up even if they have hard working and too busy to work out. On the other hand Most people already get tired of work at the end of the day because they spent a lot of energy in their work. It’s probably touter to go to the gym and spend energy more than you have. On top of that, Most people tend to take a rest after work. When we have stress from work, we usually want to have some nice food and watching Netflix or reading a book instead of exercise. But sweet things are always dangerous. we should take a responsibility of our healthy. To sum up, health is important like work and life valance. If we build our health then It’s make us more motivated and it gives energy. If we lose health then It’s Impossible to maintain working. therefore we should make valance of health.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
not
Use a comma before ‘or’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
enough or
they do
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work
out hardly ever whilst working
Use a comma before ‘or’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
day or
they have free time.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
even
though they are going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problem. I
totally
understand that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
after working.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
we should care about our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
instead
of have a rest.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, recently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
out
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
up for the gym.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
It’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to go to the gym
‘Everyday’ is an adjective. Did you mean “every day”?
everyday
and
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make
great appearance. Of
The comma is probably missing here: “course, we”.
course we
know it’s more productive habit and
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make
us healthier.

For instance
,
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Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
highly
motivated and
Possible spelling mistake found.
passionated are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
up even if they have
This adjective is spelled with a hyphen or as one word.
hard working
and too busy to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
out.
On the other hand
Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired of
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work
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
energy in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. It’s
probably
Possible spelling mistake found.
touter
to go to the gym and spend energy more than you have.

On top of that
, Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to take a rest after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. When we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, we
usually
want to have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nice food and watching Netflix or reading a book
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
sweet things are always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
we
should take a responsibility of our healthy.

To sum up,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and life valance. If we build our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
then It’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
us more
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
motivated and
it gives energy. If we lose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
then It’s Impossible to maintain working.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
therefore
we should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
valance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
260 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.9