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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.5

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 5
In today's date, most of the people who are busy with their job, get quite less or no time to work out either during the weekday or in their leisure time which result in many types of fitness issues. In my opinion, long working hours and addiction to mobile and television are the reasons for not getting enough time to do any physical activity. Firstly, many people exhausted after working extra hours in the office and when they are back from office used to spend their free time by taking a rest on their cosy sofa or bed. Secondly, the addiction to mobile, television and laptop is the key due to which after getting idle time also, people feel very lazy to do any physical activities. To illustrate, my brother started working extra hours just to fulfil his financial needs and to get promotion. He hardly gets time for exercise or yoga. Gradually, he suffered from health ailments like high blood pressure and migraine As a way of solving this, companies should take few steps towards it, such as by conducting health awareness programmes and build up sports club or gym for employees in the office, where they can work out when they are not busy. Also, companies should not encourage long working hours without valid reasons. Another way, in weekends instead of sitting idle at home, they should play some outdoor games with their kids or friends. In result, more people get time for exercise and the health problem will reduce gradually. To conclude, people and companies should understand the value of health and should take steps towards the health awareness and the importance of physical exercise.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's date, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are busy with their job,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
quite less or no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to work out either during the weekday or in their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which result in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
types of fitness issues. In my opinion, long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and addiction to mobile and television are the reasons for not getting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do any physical activity.

Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
exhausted after
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working
extra
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hours
in the office and when they are back from office
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spend their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by taking a rest on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'cosy' is British English.
cosy
sofa or bed.
Secondly
, the addiction to mobile, television and laptop is the key due to which after getting idle
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
also
,
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people
feel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
lazy to do any physical activities. To illustrate, my brother
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to fulfil his financial needs and to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
promotion. He hardly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercise or yoga.
Gradually
, he suffered from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
ailments like high blood pressure and migraine

As a way of solving this,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should take few steps towards it, such as by conducting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
awareness
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
and build up sports club or gym for employees in the office, where they can work out when they are not busy.
Also
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should not encourage long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
without valid reasons. Another way, in weekends
instead
of sitting idle at home, they should play
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
outdoor games with their kids or friends. In result, more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for exercise and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
problem will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
gradually
.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and should take steps towards the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
awareness and the importance of physical exercise.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
278 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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