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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.18

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 18
A large number of employees suffer from sicknesses as a result of almost no existence of physical activities during their day. This essay will discuss the main reasons of sickness, including longer working hours and less knowledge about the matter. This essay will also suggest solutions to these issues such as, balancing between work and sport activity time and spread awareness. People are working more hours than ever before. In addiction, they have more job pressures. Recently, the employment market is very competitive. Therefore, works need to excel and push beyond their limits in order to keep their position. For example, my older brother lost his job for a single reason that he refused to do overtime hours and work during weekends. This often results in having little to no time to focus on personal well-being. Maintaining a good life-work balance and spreading awareness of the importance of physical activities among workers is essential. People need to realize if the push themselves too much that can lead to the point of exhaustion and no progress, whereas adding a sport for an hour a day helps to release stress and enhance health condition. For instance, Japanese companies implemented a fifteen minutes pre and post work, exercise rule for the workers, and as a result the percentage of people suffering from health related complication dropped significantly. To conclude with less exercise caused a lot of health issues among companies’ workers. The increase of working hours leads to various problems. By spreading awareness and balancing work-life timing this issue can be solved.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
employees suffer from sicknesses
as a result
of almost no existence of physical activities during their day. This essay will discuss the main reasons of sickness, including longer working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and less knowledge about the matter. This essay will
also
suggest solutions to these issues such as, balancing between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and sport activity time and spread awareness.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are working more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
. In addiction, they have more job pressures. Recently, the employment market is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive.
Therefore
, works need to excel and push beyond their limits in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their position.
For example
, my older brother lost his job for a single reason that he refused to do overtime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
during weekends. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results in having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
to no time to focus on personal well-being.

Maintaining a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
life-work balance and spreading awareness of the importance of physical activities among workers is essential.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
need to realize if the push themselves too much that can lead to the point of exhaustion and no progress, whereas adding a sport for an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
a day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to release
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and enhance health condition.
For instance
, Japanese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
implemented a fifteen minutes
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre
and post
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, exercise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
for the workers, and
as a result
the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffering from health related complication dropped
significantly
.

To conclude
with less exercise caused
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
health issues among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
’ workers. The increase of working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
leads to various problems. By spreading awareness and balancing work-life timing this issue can
be solved
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 18

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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