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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about the problem? v.17

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about the problem? v. 17
Mostly, in today's world, workaholics have no space in their schedule for exercise, because of which later they go through medical complications. One of the reasons is that workers have no physical movement due to tremendous usage of technology. However, the best possible solution is to reduce the excessive use of such devices. Latest gadgets and devices are one of the main causes that have eliminated workouts from the routines of working people. Although, these recent advances have reduced the burden of employees and also saved a huge amount of time. On the contrary, workers are spending ample time sitting in one position and performing their duties. Every task is automated rather than manual which has consequently led to multiple chronic illnesses such as heart diseases and obesity. In a recent research, America is one of the top countries where 90% of the working people are suffering from obesity due to lack of exercise. Therefore, , an increasing usage of computers and laptops have resulted in various health issues since the body is not active. However, reducing the time limit of usage, these electronic devices could be a solution to this serious issue. Workers should finish their tasks and assignments during work time as much as possible and avoid using mobile phones when having spare time. Moreover, to include physical exercise, engaging in sports of any kind will keep the body healthy and stress free. In Japan, almost 80% employees are free from stress or health problems since they do not engage in office work during their leisure hours. The Capital Magazine states that usage of devices during free time is prohibited to avoid health issues. Hence, involving in activities during free hours and avoiding work based communication will result in a healthy lifestyle. To conclude, no workouts during the day or spare time can ultimately make a person become ill. The advance utilization of technology has empowered human body whereas the only solution to avoid this issue is to cut down the habits of device usage.
Mostly
, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, workaholics have no space in their schedule for exercise,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of which later they go through medical complications. One of the reasons is that workers have no physical movement due to tremendous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of technology.
However
, the best possible solution is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the excessive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of such devices.

A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
gadgets and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
are one of the main causes that have eliminated workouts from the routines of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Although, these recent advances have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
the burden of employees and
also
saved a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
On the contrary
, workers are spending ample
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
sitting in one position and performing their duties. Every task
is automated
rather
than manual which has
consequently
led to multiple chronic illnesses such as heart diseases and obesity. In a recent research, America is one of the top countries where 90% of the working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are suffering from obesity due to lack of exercise.
Therefore
,
Two consecutive commas
,
an increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of computers and laptops have resulted in various health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
since the body is not active.

However
, reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
limit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
, these electronic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
could be a solution to this serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
. Workers should finish their tasks and assignments during work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as much as possible and avoid using mobile phones when having spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Moreover
, to include physical exercise, engaging in sports of any kind will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
the body healthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
. In Japan, almost 80% employees are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
or health problems since they do not engage in office work during their leisure hours. The Capital Magazine states that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is prohibited
to avoid health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issues
.
Hence
, involving in activities during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
hours and avoiding work based communication will result in a healthy lifestyle.

To conclude
, no workouts during the day or spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a person become ill. The advance utilization of technology has empowered human body whereas the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
solution to avoid this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down the habits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
device
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
usage
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about the problem? v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
337 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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