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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.13

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 13
Nowadays, working people devote less and less time to exercise and as a result, they develop many health problems such as obesity and heart disease. This is mainly because most employees are busy with their work and get hardly any time for themselves. Addicted to television programmes and video games also discourages them from getting physically active during their leisure time. Everybody is busy these days. People are working so hard to fulfil their personal and professional commitments that they get hardly any time to relax or exercise. For example, now most employees work overtime to meet their deadlines. By the time they reach their home, it is already pretty late and they have neither time nor the stamina to hit the gym. Even in countries where there is a five day work week people rarely exercise on the weekends. They either catch up on their sleep or sit in front of the computer or the television. Unfortunately, the sedentary lifestyle has a negative impact on their health. Creating awareness about the risks of physical inactivity is the first step to counter this issue. The government should launch campaigns to encourage people to work out at least a couple of times a week. In addition, employers who require their employees to work overtime should be penalized. What’s more, companies should be encouraged to set up gyms and sports courts within their premises and employers should be allowed to access them during their recess. Studies have shown that even a simple stretch allows people to shake off their lethargy and enhance their productivity. To conclude, the busy lifestyle is the main reason that prevents people from getting adequate exercise. Enforcing an eight hour work day and encouraging physical activity during leisure time are the solutions to this problem.
Nowadays, working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
devote less and less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and
as a result
, they develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health problems such as obesity and heart disease. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most employees are busy with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hardly any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for themselves. Addicted to television
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
and video games
also
discourages them from getting
physically
active during their leisure time.

Everybody is busy these days.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
are working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to fulfil their personal and professional commitments that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
hardly any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to relax or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
most employees
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their deadlines. By the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
they reach their home, it is already pretty
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
late and
they have neither
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
nor the stamina to hit the gym. Even in countries where there is a
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "five-day"
five day
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
week
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rarely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
on the weekends. They either catch up on their sleep or sit in front of the computer or the television. Unfortunately, the sedentary lifestyle has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on their health.

Creating awareness about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
of physical inactivity is the
first
step to counter this issue. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should launch campaigns to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
out at least a couple of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
a week.
In addition
, employers who require their employees to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
overtime should
be penalized
. What’s more,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should
be encouraged
to set up gyms and sports courts within their premises and employers should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to access them during their recess. Studies have shown that even a simple stretch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to shake off their lethargy and enhance their productivity.

To conclude
, the busy lifestyle is the main reason that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevents
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from getting adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
. Enforcing an
When a number forms part of an adjectival compound, use a hyphen: "eight-hour"
eight hour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
day and encouraging physical activity during leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
are the solutions to this problem.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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