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Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.2

Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 2
In recent years, the majority of people have become more unhealthy as a result of tough work routine and painful job responsibilities. However, practice has to be a part of their life. Otherwise, it may cause terrible consequences such as physical diseases. There are some possible solutions which are useful to deal with this issue and this essay will describe their main points. On the one hand, Undoubtedly, exercise is one of the most important feature against every kind of physical diseases. To illustrate that, recent research shows that exercising the body is an effective protection tool against the harmful ageing process. Furthermore, it is also extremely useful in the mental diseases such as, anxiety and depression. However, there is also some required thing which is really hard to provide such as, changing the morning process. For example, if person which is wanting to balance his life between exercise and work life, has to sacrifice the morning sleep and sleep even in 8PM to wake up early. This routine also gives chance to save time for himself. Setting up a this kind of routine might be hard to provide as a result of the hardness to breaking his own rules. On the other hand, If the physical improvement with bodily exercise and satisfied life as a result of balance is mighty important for a person, changing the job is also an available solution for himself. Moreover, If that person is close to the retirement date, it would be easier for him. After some ages, physical and mental calmness must be a goal to achieve for every person. Although, managing life with a low finance might be hard, it is really important for health. In conclusion, as I mentioned, the most common objections about health due to body practice are generally related to carefully managed daily program. In my opinion, If a person which is responsible with his health care, has to be ready to create a new routine and saving time for exercise.
In recent years, the majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have become more unhealthy
as a result
of tough work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
routine
and painful job responsibilities.
However
, practice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be a part of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Otherwise
, it may cause terrible consequences such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
diseases. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
possible solutions which are useful to deal with this issue and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
their main points.

On the one hand,
Undoubtedly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
feature against every kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
diseases. To illustrate that, recent research
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that exercising the body is an effective protection tool against the harmful
Possible spelling mistake. 'ageing' is British English.
ageing
process.
Furthermore
, it is
also
extremely
useful in the mental diseases such as, anxiety and depression.
However
, there is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
required thing which is
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to provide such as, changing the morning process.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
which
The verb 'wanting' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is wanting
to balance his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
sacrifice the morning sleep and sleep even in 8PM to wake up early. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
routine
also
gives chance to save time for himself. Setting up
Maybe you need to remove the second determiner so that only "a" or "this" is left.
a this
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
routine
might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to provide
as a result
of the hardness to breaking his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.

On the other hand
, If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
improvement with
bodily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
and satisfied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
as a result
of balance is mighty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
, changing the job is
also
an available solution for himself.
Moreover
, If that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is close to the retirement date, it would be easier for him. After
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
ages,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
and mental calmness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a goal to achieve for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
. Although, managing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with a low finance might be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
, it is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for health.

In conclusion
, as I mentioned, the most common objections about health due to body practice are
generally
related to
carefully
managed daily program. In my opinion, If a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
which is responsible with his health care,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be ready to create a new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
routine
and saving time for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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