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Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.3

Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 3
In recent years, the proportion of people with obesity and cardiovascular disease has increased, partly because of work pressure, people have less time to exercise. This is a topic of great interest to many people, as it relates to health and precautions. Today's society is growing, requiring humans to use the brain more and we don't also have a reasonable timetable to organize everything. In addition, we are currently living in the digital world, almost all activities based on the internet every day. As a result, our bodies are sedentary and lead to health problems, diseases of blood pressure and a higher risk of stroke such as Alzheimer's disease, diabetes, obesity. For example: 48% of US adults have heart disease so far. There are a lot of solutions that can look for them on the internet easily. All current news is updated online. Besides, we should also exercise regularly and take part in extracurricular clubs to increase our enjoyment and health. Because physical training is the most effective action against dangerous diseases. For instance: Every day, you just need to spend 40 minutes to jog and definitely you will have a healthy body and refreshing mint. In conclusion, although we are busy today, we should take some time to help our bodies stay healthy. I think training is certainly not too difficult for us. It also contributes to us have a positive life.
In recent years, the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with obesity and cardiovascular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
has increased, partly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of work pressure,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have less time to exercise. This is a topic of great interest to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, as it relates to health and precautions.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
's society is growing, requiring humans to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the brain
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
more and
we don't
also
have a reasonable timetable to organize everything.
In addition
, we are
currently
living in the digital world, almost all activities based on the internet every day.
As a result
, our bodies are sedentary and lead to health problems,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
of blood pressure and a higher
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of stroke such as Alzheimer's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
, diabetes, obesity.
For example
: 48% of US adults have heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
disease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
far.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
solutions that can look for them on the internet
easily
. All
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
news
is updated
online.
Besides
, we should
also
exercise
regularly
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in extracurricular clubs to increase our enjoyment and health.
“Because” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Because
physical training is the most effective action against
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
diseases
.
For instance
: Every day, you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
need to spend 40 minutes to jog and definitely you will have a healthy body and refreshing mint.

In conclusion
, although we are busy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, we should take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
our bodies stay healthy. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
training is
certainly
not too difficult for us. It
also
contributes to us have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
life.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
233 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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