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Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v.4

Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 4
More and more people in the workforce are not exercising enough during the workday, and are becoming physically unfit. This is as a result of the hectic nature of some jobs experienced by workers. The solution to this must be that organizations must give more free days at the office. One of the significant causes of this problem is the busy schedule registered by many when working. This simply means that people are constantly working for long hours each day at the office. Consequently, people do not have the opportunity to go to fitness centres. This will eventually lead to so many people having health issues. For example, the Vanguard Newspaper reported that 70% of the working population in India are suffering from stress due to the long hours at work and the inability to go for workout sessions. However, a good solution to this problem will be that private companies should be flexible enough to reduce the hours spent at the office. In other words, employers must create free time at work so that employees can exercise more. To illustrate, in 2000, 50 out of 60 industries in the US cut back the number of working hours from eight hours to six hours, and this has helped workers to have more time to keep fit. In summary, many people can not perform exercises regularly because of the little time spent outside of work. Company leaders must, therefore, consider reducing the hours spent working. If this is done, then there will be more healthy people in the society.
More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the workforce are not exercising
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
during the workday, and are becoming
physically
unfit. This is
as a result
of the hectic nature of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
jobs experienced by workers. The solution to this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be that organizations
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give more free days at the office.

One of the significant causes of this problem is the busy schedule registered by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
. This
simply
means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
constantly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
each day at the office.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not have the opportunity to go to fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
. This will
eventually
lead to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
having health issues.
For example
, the Vanguard Newspaper reported that 70% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
population in India are suffering from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
due to the long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
at work and the inability to go for workout sessions.

However
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
solution to this problem will be that private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should be flexible
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
spent at the office.
In other words
, employers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
create free time at work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that employees can exercise more. To illustrate, in 2000, 50 out of 60 industries in the US
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
back the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
from eight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, and this has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
workers to have more time to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit.

In summary,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can not perform exercises
regularly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
time spent outside of work.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Company
leaders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
,
therefore
, consider reducing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
spent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
. If this
is done
, then there will be more healthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the society.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise during the workday or in their free time and have health problems as a result. Why do many people do not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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