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Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student Peers have more of an impact than teachers v.1

Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student Peers have more of an impact than teachers v. 1
It is sometimes argued that on account of different characteristics of men and women, these two genders are in accord with some particular jobs. Personally, I agree with this view for several reasons. On the one hand, there is a wide range of occupations that can be done by both sexes, such as writer, inventor or hairstylist. The main reason is because genders are not relevant to intelligence or certain abilities, therefore, both men and women can work on their jobs as well as they have special talents and skills, irrespective of kinds of occupations. Take Rosalind Franklin and Thomas Edison as the two prime illustrations of this. Both of them were the greatest and most influential scientists in the mankind. Even though they are not the same genders, they contributed significantly to the world by inventing a number of things that changed the entire world. For instance, Thomas Edison invented light bulb and Rosalind Franklin discovered the molecular structures of DNA and RNA. However, I would argue that men and women can do their best in some particular majors, due to their distinct and typical personalities and strengths. As men are usually inborn stronger than women, they are suitable for physically demanding tasks, such as policeman, soldier, firefighter or football player. By contrast, sensitiveness, thoughtfulness and carefulness are individual qualities that most women have. As a result, this girly gender doubtlessly prominent when they work as nurses, babysitters and receptionists. To illustrate, in many countries around the world, such as America or Vietnam, men tend to join the army in order to protect their country, whereas women often teach students at school or stay at home and do the domestic work. In conclusion, despite the fact that men and women can fit the same career paths, it appears to me that some types of employment harmonize with particular gender identity, owing to special traits in each sex.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that on account of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
characteristics of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, these two genders are in accord with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular jobs.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view for several reasons.

On the one hand, there is a wide range of occupations that can
be done
by both sexes, such as writer, inventor or hairstylist. The main reason is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
genders are not relevant to intelligence or certain abilities,
therefore
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can work on their jobs
as well
as they have special talents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, irrespective of kinds of occupations. Take Rosalind Franklin and Thomas Edison as the two prime illustrations of this. Both of them were the greatest and most influential scientists in the mankind.
Even though
they are not the same genders, they contributed
significantly
to the world by inventing a number of things that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
the entire world.
For instance
, Thomas Edison invented light bulb and Rosalind Franklin discovered the molecular structures of DNA and RNA.

However
, I would argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can do their best in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
particular majors, due to their distinct and typical personalities and strengths. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
are
usually
inborn stronger than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
, they are suitable for
physically
demanding tasks, such as policeman, soldier, firefighter or football player. By contrast, sensitiveness, thoughtfulness and carefulness are individual qualities that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
have.
As a result
, this
girly
gender
doubtlessly
prominent when they work as nurses, babysitters and receptionists. To illustrate, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries around the world, such as America or Vietnam,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the army in order to protect their country, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
teach students at school or stay at home and do the domestic work.

In conclusion
, despite the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
can fit the same career paths, it appears to me that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
types of employment harmonize with particular gender identity, owing to special traits in each sex.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Many things can influence the academic achievement and emotional growth of a student Peers have more of an impact than teachers v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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