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In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. v.2

In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. v. 2
According to the Ecological Systems Theory, the environment that a person lives in has the most significant influence on his/her personal development. Some argue that certain personal traits are closely associated with a person’s achievement. However, I will argue in this essay that social equality is the key to an individual’s success in general from two aspects: gender equality and education equality. The roles that women play in societies often vary significantly among different regions of the world. Societies, that offer women more freedom in terms of educational and vocational choices, could possess more desirable opportunities to facilitate women in pursuing their dreams and achieving their potentials. Women in Australia, for example, where the equality between males and females is considerably advance, could be more likely to achieve higher personal successes than women in Pakistan where females often remain inferior than males in society. Education equality is another effect that could largely influence on one’s accomplishment. As human society develops, the ability of literacy and the access to modern technologies become increasingly important in individuals’ personal development. Residents of regions where free fundamental education and better access to technologies, such as the internet and computers, are provided, could have increasing numbers of opportunities to exercise their personal traits, thus, to succeed in the fields of their choices. To conclude, an egalitarian society can facilitate more achievements among individuals. The gender and education equalities are two fundamental ones that could ensure everyone in the society, both males and females, to have the relatively equal opportunity to succeed.
According to the Ecological Systems Theory, the environment that a person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in has the most significant influence on his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
development.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
traits are
closely
associated with a person’s achievement.
However
, I will argue in this essay that social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
is the key to an individual’s success
in general
from two aspects: gender
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
and education equality.

The roles that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
play in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
societies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
vary
significantly
among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
regions of the world.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Societies
, that offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
more freedom in terms of educational and vocational choices, could possess more desirable opportunities to facilitate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in pursuing their dreams and achieving their potentials.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
in Australia,
for example
, where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
between males and females is
considerably
advance, could be more likely to achieve higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
successes than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in Pakistan where females
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
remain
Some adjectives derived from Latin act as both adjective and comparative. In these cases use the collocation 'to'
inferior than
males in society.

Education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
equality
is another effect that could
largely
influence on one’s accomplishment. As human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
develops, the ability of literacy and the access to modern technologies become
increasingly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in individuals’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
development. Residents of regions where free fundamental education and better access to technologies, such as the internet and computers,
are provided
, could have increasing numbers of opportunities to exercise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
traits,
thus
, to succeed in the fields of their choices.

To conclude
, an egalitarian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
can facilitate more achievements among individuals. The gender and education
Possible spelling mistake found.
equalities
are two fundamental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
that could ensure everyone in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
society
, both males and females, to have the
relatively
equal opportunity to succeed.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In recent years, there has been growing interest in the relationship between inequality and personal achievement. Some people believe that individuals can achieve more in more egalitarian societies. Others believe that high levels of personal achievement are possible only if individuals are free to succeed or fail according to their individual merits. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
256 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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